Our Relationship

Getting to our relationship...

[REDACTED: Ex's personal details]

I want to take a moment and talk about Dana. Please bear with me...

In many ways, my relationship with Dana allowed me to be in our relationship. I don't mean that in any sort of bad or adulterous way. Just the opposite, actually. Dana and I had already been through what I considered an almost necessary - and rare - overcoming of the inevitable crush I get on any attractive close friend. I didn't consider that a loss at all. I embraced it as now making her a very safe person - inviolable to the turmoil of a romantic relationship. More durable. Trusted with my full self. I told her she's my chosen family. I relied on her like that. Something I had never really had in that way before. It was something I cherished.

I wasn't aware of the inherently unstable nature of this shared-responsibility dynamic in my life, though. It just so happened that my life felt balanced - so I didn't question it much. Between the two of you, I had everything I needed. Sure, I craved a deeper emotional resonance with you, and sometimes trying to keep you intellectually stimulated felt like a losing battle (though liquor and sex seemed to help with that). But I loved you, and I desperately wanted things to work. And they were working for me. I hadn't realized at that time how reliant I was on a single, external point of failure for the stability of our relationship or my mental health.

Coming back to how this all relates...

First, [REDACTED: Ex's personal details]. I knew very well that invalidating me wasn't your intent, and that you were doing the best you could. But it still hurt. Especially when I needed to talk about very deep things.

Second, Dana started having relationship issues with [her boyfriend] and had no time or energy for me when her romantic relationship was hanging in the balance - which was totally fair. But it also began a new line of thought for me: maybe, what I'm relying on Dana for, without my being prioritized as I prioritize her, is actually very dangerous.

You might recall my talking about "female energy" in our relationship. I think what I was craving was a way to fully integrate an emotional counterpoint into our dynamic - no matter how unconventional the arrangement. I even went so far as to [REDACTED: explicit]... probably not realistic. A fun thought for a bi person, though. Leaving you wasn't something I was actively debating, or considering internally. I was considering everything but that. I had started wrestling with what this internal problem was, exactly. Why did I even want this in the first place? Was I not really bi? Was I being stereotypically bi-selfish - feeling like I'd be missing out on something? Maybe even something I fundamentally couldn't get from a guy? I tried bringing it up on several occasions, but it felt like you didn't know what to say, felt like you couldn't help, and usually just dozed off.

In retrospect, relying emotionally on Dana created a critical vulnerability I hadn't recognized; emotional support has to be reciprocally prioritized - and, for me, a monogamist, it needs to be sufficiently present in my sole romantic relationship. I hadn't fully realized how dangerous a one-sided dependency was until that safety collapsed. My realization wasn't immediate at all. Rather, it was like a hole in the bottom of a big barrel getting plugged. Or a battery not getting charged up from time to time. The causes weren't instant - and neither were the effects. And clarity didn't come till much later.

At the time, though, I had started to wonder if there was something deeper. When I was with Elaine, her not telling her parents about me really hurt, and I felt it held her back from committing. (Ironically I, myself, intellectualized this at the time as analogous to not coming out of the closet, and it was the start of our demise.) I didn't want to do that to you. So I knew there was at least one item on a potential list that had to be addressed - regardless of what else might exist on that list.

You were my emotional and logical shortcut to a truth I had buried under mountains of shame, John. I may not be able to move actual mountains - but I was going to try moving this one.