Chapter 10: Letting Go of Guilt and Shame
“To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson
The Weight You Were Never Meant to Carry
If you’ve ever felt crushed by the guilt of disappointing someone, or the shame of believing there’s something wrong with who you are, you’re not alone. These feelings can take root so deeply that they shape the way you see yourself, making it hard to know where they end and you begin.
For many of us, guilt and shame aren’t just emotions - they’re tools we were taught to use against ourselves. Tools that kept us quiet, compliant, and small. But here’s the truth: guilt and shame only serve those who want to control you. They are not your burden to carry, and letting them go is one of the greatest acts of freedom you can give yourself.
The Difference Between Guilt and Shame
To understand how to release guilt and shame, it’s important to know what they are and how they differ:
Guilt says, “I did something wrong.”
Guilt is tied to actions. It’s a sense of responsibility for something you’ve done - or think you’ve done - that goes against your values. Guilt can sometimes be constructive, prompting you to make amends or grow from your mistakes.
Shame says, “I am something wrong.”
Shame isn’t about what you’ve done - it’s about who you are. It’s the belief that your very self is flawed, broken, or unworthy of love. Shame is never constructive - it only serves to keep you small.
Where Guilt and Shame Come From
If you grew up in an environment where obedience and conformity were framed as love, you were likely taught to feel guilt and shame when you didn’t meet expectations. This might have looked like:
Religious Teachings: Being told that parts of your identity were sinful or wrong.
Parental Disappointment: Feeling like your worth was tied to how well you followed rules or upheld family values.
Cultural Norms: Internalizing messages that being different made you less valuable.
Over time, these messages can become internalized, turning into a constant voice in your head that whispers:
- “I'm not good enough.”
- “I don’t deserve love.”
- “If I were better, they would accept me.”
- "If they knew the real, true, me they wouldn't love me."
The Toll of Carrying Guilt and Shame
Holding onto guilt and shame doesn’t just hurt emotionally - it impacts every part of your life:
It Distorts Your Self-Image: You start to believe you’re defined by your flaws instead of your strengths.
It Keeps You Stuck: Fear of judgment or failure can make it hard to take risks or grow.
It Limits Your Relationships: When you believe you’re unworthy of love, you might settle for relationships that reinforce that belief.
Letting go of guilt and shame isn’t about ignoring the past - it’s about reclaiming your future.
How to Release Guilt and Shame
Name the Source: Ask yourself: Where did this guilt or shame come from? Who taught you to feel this way, and why? Recognizing the source can help you see that these feelings were imposed on you - they’re not part of who you are.
“I feel ashamed of my identity because I was taught it was sinful. But that belief isn’t mine - it’s something I was told.”
Separate Actions from Identity: If you feel guilty, ask: Is this about something I’ve done, or is it about who I am? If it’s about an action, reflect on whether it truly goes against your values. If it does, take steps to make amends or grow from it. If it’s about your identity, remind yourself that who you are is not a mistake.
Challenge the Beliefs Behind the Feelings: Shame often comes from unchallenged beliefs about worth and morality. Ask: Is this belief actually true? Who benefits from me believing it?
“I was told that being queer is wrong, but why? Who is harmed by my identity? Who benefits from me staying quiet about it?”
Replace Shame with Compassion: Speak to yourself the way you would to a friend. When you catch yourself feeling shame, counter it with kindness:
“I am not a bad person. I am doing my best to live authentically, and that is enough.”
Release the Need for Approval: One of the hardest but most freeing steps is letting go of the idea that you need others’ approval to be worthy. Remind yourself: “Their acceptance is not the measure of my worth.”
A Reflection Exercise: Rewriting the Narrative
Take a moment to write down a belief about yourself that stems from guilt or shame. Then, rewrite it in a way that affirms your worth.
- Original Belief: “I’m selfish for wanting to set boundaries with my family.”
- Affirming Rewrite: “Setting boundaries isn’t selfish - it’s an act of love for myself and for the relationships I want to nurture.”
Repeat these affirmations as often as you need to. Over time, they’ll become louder than the voice of shame.
Reader Reflection Questions
- What’s one belief about yourself that you know comes from guilt or shame?
- Who taught you to feel that way? Do you still believe they were right?
- What’s one small step you can take today to show yourself compassion?
A Final Thought on Letting Go
Releasing guilt and shame isn’t a one-time act - it’s a process. Some days, those feelings will creep back in, and that’s okay. What matters is that you keep moving forward, reminding yourself that your worth isn’t up for debate.
Letting go of guilt and shame doesn’t mean forgetting the past - it means refusing to let it define you. It means making room for joy, for growth, and for a future built on love and self-acceptance.
In the next chapter, we’ll explore how to take that future one step further: becoming your own advocate and speaking your truth boldly, not just for yourself but for those who might still be finding their way.
A Different Lens: Women’s Right to Drive in Saudi Arabia
For decades, Saudi Arabia was the only country in the world where women were legally forbidden to drive. The prohibition was not just a ban on a practical activity; it was a powerful symbol of systemic control and the conditional acceptance of women’s participation in public life. Women could be educated, work, and contribute to society, but only within the confines of strictly defined roles that upheld patriarchal authority. The right to drive became a flashpoint for a broader struggle: the fight to live without guilt or shame for simply existing as oneself.
The campaign to lift the driving ban was spearheaded by brave women who risked personal safety, social ostracism, and imprisonment to challenge the status quo. Activists like Manal al-Sharif used social media to amplify their message, posting videos of themselves driving as acts of civil disobedience. These videos were simple yet profoundly powerful. They sent a clear message: We are capable. We deserve autonomy. We will not be silenced.
The driving ban wasn’t just about cars - it was about control. By restricting women’s mobility, the system reinforced their dependence on male guardians and limited their ability to participate fully in society. For many women, this restriction created a sense of guilt and shame tied to their gender, as if their aspirations for independence were inherently wrong or dangerous. Breaking this barrier required more than legal change - it required a cultural shift that redefined what it meant to be a woman in Saudi Arabia.
In 2018, after years of relentless advocacy, the ban was finally lifted. For many Saudi women, this milestone was both liberating and deeply emotional. It symbolized more than the ability to drive; it represented a reclaiming of agency and the right to exist without apology. However, the struggle didn’t end there. Many activists who fought for this change remain imprisoned or face ongoing persecution, highlighting the complexity of progress in a system that still imposes significant limitations on women’s freedoms.
For readers navigating their own journey of letting go of guilt and shame, the story of Saudi women’s fight for the right to drive offers a powerful lesson. It shows that societal systems often impose guilt as a tool of control, making individuals feel that their desires for autonomy and equality are selfish or wrong. It reminds us that challenging these systems requires not only courage but also the belief that we are worthy of dignity and respect - no matter how many voices tell us otherwise.
The women of Saudi Arabia demonstrate that guilt and shame are not burdens we have to carry forever. They are constructs that can be dismantled, just like unjust laws and oppressive traditions. By letting go of these weights, we can begin to move freely - both in the literal sense and in the broader journey of self-acceptance and empowerment. Their story is a testament to the transformative power of resilience, courage, and the unyielding pursuit of justice.
Special Skills: When Avoidance Fuels Guilt Over Boundaries
Setting boundaries is hard enough without the added layer of guilt that often follows - especially when it comes from avoidant people who refuse to acknowledge the reasons behind the boundaries you’ve set. These interactions can feel like emotional whiplash: you’re trying to protect yourself, and they’re acting as if your boundaries are the problem instead of their behavior.
What This Looks Like
People who avoid accountability might use guilt as a way to shift the focus off their actions and onto your response. Here are some common examples of guilting behaviors:
Dismissing Your Boundary: “I don’t know why you’re making such a big deal out of this. It’s not like I meant to hurt you.”
Playing the Victim: “I guess I’m just a terrible parent/friend since nothing I do is ever good enough for you.”
Focusing on the Consequences, Not the Cause: “Why would you cut me out of your life like this? Don’t you care about how this makes me feel?”
These responses deflect attention away from the behavior or dynamic that led to the boundary in the first place, making it harder to hold your ground without feeling guilty.
Why They Do This
Avoidance and guilting often come from a fear of confrontation or change. The person may:
Feel Threatened by Your Autonomy: Your boundary challenges the control or dynamic they’ve grown comfortable with.
Avoid Reflecting on Their Actions: Taking accountability might force them to face uncomfortable truths about how they’ve contributed to the conflict.
See Your Boundary as Rejection: Instead of recognizing your boundary as an act of self-care, they might interpret it as a personal attack or loss of connection.
How to Respond
When someone uses guilt to challenge your boundary, it’s important to stay grounded in your truth. Here’s how you can respond:
Reaffirm Your Boundary: Calmly restate your boundary, focusing on your needs rather than their reaction:
“I understand this is hard for you, but I’ve set this boundary because it’s what I need to feel safe and respected.”
Redirect the Focus to the Cause: Bring the conversation back to the behavior or dynamic that led to the boundary:
“I’m not trying to hurt you. I set this boundary because I felt dismissed when you ignored my concerns.”
Refuse to Engage with Guilt Trips Avoid defending yourself or getting drawn into their narrative of victimhood:
“I’m sorry you feel that way, but my decision stands.”
Protect Your Energy: If the conversation becomes unproductive or manipulative, it’s okay to step away:
“This feels like it’s going in circles. I’m happy to talk about this when we can focus on solutions.”
A Reminder About Boundaries
It’s important to remember: guilt doesn’t mean your boundary is wrong. Often, it means the other person is struggling to accept a dynamic that no longer serves you. Holding firm to your boundaries isn’t selfish or cruel - it’s an act of self-respect.
People who care about you will eventually recognize the value of your boundaries. And for those who don’t? That’s their journey, not yours. Your job is to protect your peace and honor your needs, even when others refuse to acknowledge the reasons behind them.
