The Closure

When Dana emailed me a few weeks ago, I gave her my new number. But like I told you, forgiveness doesn't mean forgetting or that some wounds don't leave permanent scars. I had to let that relationship go because it wasn't healthy for me anymore. If this relationship isn't healthy for you in any form, I understand that. I do. And I give you permission, in advance, to tell me so, should that be the case.

But please, John, I beg you to consider that you've been grieving the perceived - but with very real resulting feelings of - rejection and abandonment of a friend and boyfriend. I've been grieving the direct rejection and abandonment of my own mother, simply for being me. My only remaining parent. Can you see that? Please try to understand what I have been enduring for the last few months, just as I want to understand what you've been through. Both of my parents have turned their backs on me. Not for something I've done, but because neither really wanted me in the first place and are disgusted by my very being as a queer person.

I've loved getting all the Mother's Day notifications from Amazon - which can't be disabled! Really, really wonderful. Snaps for Bezos. Who wouldn't have a perfect family? Speaking of which: I really don't mean to minimize the pain of those whose mothers have died recently - which seems like reason enough to add that feature - though I feel a death may possibly be easier to cope with than being rejected.

When I say I had to learn how to hold myself together emotionally without any external validation, I really mean it. I didn't have anyone, John. Not one person. And I was in a new city, where I knew no one and nowhere. I was staying up for multiple days. I started getting blackout drunk just to get to sleep at night. My psychiatrist has since weaned me over to off-label use of Seroquel (please don't mention the prior lawsuit, I already know LOL). And I still find myself restless and desiring flow-state or mania-like symptoms to distract me from the mountain of grief that has been slowly titrating its way out of my system at a pace I can manage. I screamed, John. Literally. I was absolutely broken to the core. I still sob regularly, every day.

My aunt emailed me maybe six weeks ago. Her email, after six months of not responding to anything I had to say to her, was: "Thought of you today." Then I told her that I didn't appreciate receiving empty, nothing-burger emails after months of not responding to me. She said, "Well you have to understand me, too." I told her I was done. To never write, email, or otherwise try to get in touch with me - mixed with expletives and questions about which mail-order university gave her that doctorate degree in psychology.

My email and my mailing address - which I only gave to you and my family - were the only safe ways for me to receive messages because I could defer reading them until it was safe.

There is literally not a person on this earth right now that would tell me they love me without being paid for it.

John, when you tell me that your friends and therapist told you, essentially, that you are a fool - when I hear that, what I hear is: "Anyone with half a brain can see you're a waste of time. You made me look bad in front of my friends - the only thing that gives you any value."

When you call a seismic shift in my life - a life-altering, traumatic event - a "poor time as of late," I feel like you're completely dismissing the most traumatic event of my life as an inconvenience or a temporary bummer for me. Probably not the actual cause of any of my actions. And even if so, my feelings don't really matter - not in comparison to your suffering.

I don't want to cause you another half-year funk, John. That's the last thing I want.

And my circumstances are my problem, not yours. They don't excuse anything I've done or said to you that has hurt you. At all.

[REDACTED: Ex's personal details]

If you need me at any point, now or in the future, I'm here.

If it's urgent or an emergency, you may text or call. [my new phone number] Please use iMessage if you message. Please reserve this option for something truly urgent.

[REDACTED: Ex's personal details]

John, I might as well have been in a coma in the hospital after my mom and aunt both died (but worse), and after having lost my chosen family and boyfriend, too!

I want to take responsibility for what I've done to you.

I also want you to see me, and the love I have for you.

With my undying and unconditional love,

Steve