The Reunion

I had nowhere to turn.

I was desperate.

I tried you and Frank.

For weeks, Frank seemed to be willing to make time to come get my fancy TV, which I had offered to him for free. But he could never find time to just come see me - even knowing my situation. Then, he never came to the zoo for my going away, despite our having chosen the zoo specifically to accommodate him and his child. Just like my parents, he never gave a shit about me. Then, he refused to apologize - just like my mother. Clearly, my feelings didn't matter - only his life and his problems, which he easily could have accounted for - just like my family. Fuck him. An overreaction? Yeah. But do I really care at this point, given I have no intention of visiting him and I've realized how emotionally dead that relationship is? No.

You showed up late, which you know is my pet peeve - and which made me feel like somewhere deep down you think it's okay for me to literally wait in the cold so that you don't have to (which is what would happen if you were early for me). That resonated - badly - with the emotional work I felt had always been invisible to you, and with my actively open wounds. I don't even remember how you reacted to the news about my family. Thank God it wasn't telling me to get over it in some way. I think maybe you just said, "Sorry you've been having a tough time."

Then you said something about being surprised any of my piercings were still in after I had mentioned Dana's betrayal and my removing the piercing I got with her. Nothing about Dana. Just your comment about my piercings. You didn't recognize the huge significance of that to me. Instead, in my most desperate moment, you belittled me - you told me you really thought I was impulsive to the point of putting holes in my body, ill-considered. I knew you didn't mean it. I knew you couldn't help it. And that was exactly the problem. You couldn't help it. You've probably even forgotten the comment.

Honestly, I don't remember anything at all past the piercing comment until the Waymo. I vaguely recall talking to a museum staff lady at some point? Maybe? Not sure if it was that day I was looking for the reverse glass paintings? Or maybe you didn't buy a ticket to the special exhibit? I only recall these now because you mentioned a museum in your other email.

I clearly recall waiting endlessly for you to finish your latte in the cold after I'd already been waiting and had already drunk a whole latte. I even remember the kind of music they were playing. But honestly, I dissociated after the piercing comment. I was a robot in auto-pilot - "just get through this without doing anything whatsoever to rock the boat or cause any emotional discomfort in you whatsoever" mode. I basically have no memory of that time period - exactly like my childhood dissociative episodes when my parents would argue. "Just don't trigger anyone or anything, don't draw any attention whatsoever. Whatever is required."

The next time span I remember clearly is the cab. I remember every detail of seeing you through the window after the door was shut, the cab pulling away and making a right-hand turn. I remember immediately feeling absolutely crushed and completely alone in the world. I remember leaving our chat because I didn't want to see you on my WhatsApp list. Then leaving Frank's chat for the same reason. And then thinking "fuck this" - and leaving the [Timbuktu] group chat to send you a message before I deleted WhatsApp, because Signal/WhatsApp/etc. had become symbolic to me of my constant need to bend to your communication style in our relationship, and how much it was hurting me.

I knew that anything I had to say to you would be hurtful for both of us and leave me feeling worse. I had reached out at my worst for a life preserver - but you were sinking yourself. We were both dragging each other under.

That was also two days before my move - the thing that had prompted our get-together in the first place. And something completely unrelated coincided with that event:

I was petrified that my family was going to use my move as an excuse to message me spontaneously, and try to continue the guilt-tripping, avoidance, and denial. I was literally at my absolute limit of what I could emotionally tolerate and continue on in life. I couldn't risk them having that kind of access to me. I already had no immediate communication needs with friends. The thought that some notification could appear, unavoidably, at any moment on my lock screen and say something that would destroy me was absolutely terrifying. And like you said about chat apps, it's impossible to block anyone completely - plus, they can just use someone else's phone.

I simply thought: What TF is the point of sitting around being literally terrified to look at my phone when I can just buy a new one? LOL. I mean, money doesn't buy happiness - but fuck, it could at least buy me a phone I wasn't terrified of using for now. So I got a new phone number through [a virtual SIM provider], and deactivated my old SIM on my phone. It was cheaper, faster, and easier than getting another physical phone. Access to me switched from a block-list to an allow-list, and no one was allowed. I didn't give my new number to anyone, and I've never once activated my old SIM since. I wasn't thinking about the future at that point - or how long it would be before I "switched back to my old number." I just needed to survive, and I just wanted a phone I could use without worsening my crisis.

I don't think I'll ever be able to check it, John. Yet I'm still paying for it. I vaguely recall reinstalling WhatsApp but realizing it wasn't possible to log in to "my old account" without reactivating my old SIM - and I just can't.

I haven't seen any of your messages to me. I am really, truly sorry. I know your heart was breaking, and I wish nothing more than that I could have been there for you to put the pieces back together...

...and if I had received your messages, I'm sure I would have been compelled to reply. To try and show you care and love. But doing so would have put me in very real danger. Your normally overwhelmingly adorable self just happened to be interacting with me when my every childhood wound was wide open.

I was protecting both of us.