Chapter 13: The Power of Forgiveness (or Not)
“Forgiveness does not change the past, but it does enlarge the future.” – Paul Boese
What Forgiveness Really Means
Forgiveness is one of the most misunderstood ideas in relationships - especially in relationships with those who’ve hurt us. You’ve likely heard phrases like, “Forgive and forget,” or “You’ll feel better if you just let it go.” But forgiveness, as it’s often presented, can feel like yet another expectation to suppress your feelings, erase your boundaries, and minimize the harm you’ve experienced.
Let’s make one thing clear: forgiveness doesn’t mean excusing someone’s behavior or pretending everything is okay. It’s not about reconciliation, nor is it something you owe anyone. Forgiveness, if and when you choose it, is something you do for yourself - not for the person who hurt you.
But here’s another truth: forgiveness isn’t always the answer. In some cases, the most loving thing you can do for yourself is to release the idea of forgiveness entirely, focusing instead on healing and moving forward in ways that honor your truth.
What Forgiveness Is - and Isn’t
Forgiveness Is:
- Releasing the hold that anger or resentment has on you.
- Letting go of the hope that the past could have been different.
- A choice you make for your own peace of mind, if and when you’re ready.
Forgiveness Is Not:
- Forgetting what happened or pretending it didn’t matter.
- Rebuilding a relationship with someone who hasn’t changed.
- A requirement for healing or moving forward.
Forgiveness is a deeply personal process, and it looks different for everyone. For some, it’s a way to find closure. For others, it’s a step that feels unnecessary or even harmful. Both paths are valid.
Why Forgiveness Can Feel Impossible
When someone has hurt you deeply - especially a parent, family member, or trusted authority figure - letting go of that pain can feel impossible. This is especially true when:
They’ve Never Taken Accountability: It’s hard to forgive someone who refuses to acknowledge the harm they’ve caused.
The Harm is Ongoing: If the person continues to hurt you, forgiveness can feel like giving them permission to keep doing so.
You’re Still Processing the Pain: Forgiveness is often framed as the final step in healing, but healing is rarely linear. Sometimes, you need time to sit with your feelings before even considering forgiveness.
When Forgiveness Feels Right
There may come a time when forgiveness feels like a natural next step - not because anyone demands it, but because you feel ready. Here’s what that process might look like:
Acknowledge the Harm: Forgiveness doesn’t mean minimizing what happened. Start by naming the pain honestly:
“This hurt me. This changed me. This wasn’t okay.”
Decide What Forgiveness Means for You: Forgiveness is personal, and it doesn’t have to look the same for everyone. Ask yourself:
- “Am I ready to release the anger I feel toward this person?”
- “What boundaries do I need to keep in place to protect myself?”
Forgive Without Forgetting: You can release resentment while still holding people accountable for their actions. Forgiveness doesn’t erase the past - it simply allows you to stop carrying its weight.
Focus on Your Healing, Not Their Change: Forgiveness doesn’t require the other person to change or apologize. It’s something you do for your own peace, regardless of their response.
When Forgiveness Isn’t the Answer
For some relationships, forgiveness might feel not only unnecessary but counterproductive. Here’s why it’s okay to let go of the idea of forgiveness:
It’s Not Your Responsibility to Fix Everything: If the person who hurt you refuses to take accountability or change their behavior, it’s not your job to bridge the gap.
Your Healing Doesn’t Depend on Their Redemption: Forgiveness isn’t the only path to healing. You can move forward by focusing on your own growth, setting boundaries, and finding peace in other areas of your life.
Some Harm Leaves Permanent Boundaries: In cases of abuse or repeated harm, it’s okay to prioritize your safety and well-being over the idea of forgiveness.
Choosing not to forgive doesn’t make you bitter or unkind - it makes you honest about what you need to heal.
A Narrative Example: Forgiveness Without Reconciliation
PLACEHOLDER
When I was younger, I thought forgiveness meant repairing the relationship. I tried to forgive my father for his abandonment, thinking that if I could just let go of my anger, things would go back to how they were before when we reunited.
But over time, I realized that forgiveness wasn’t about saving the relationship - it was about saving myself. I forgave him in my heart - not because he apologized or changed, but because I didn’t want my resentment to define me anymore. I kept my boundaries, and I stopped expecting things from him he couldn’t give. He hasn't reached out since.
Forgiveness didn’t fix the relationship, but it gave me peace. And that was enough.
How to Move Forward Without Forgiveness
If forgiveness doesn’t feel like the right choice for you, here are ways to focus on healing instead:
Create Distance: Emotional and physical distance can help you process your feelings without the constant pressure of their presence.
Focus on Your Growth: Pour your energy into activities, relationships, and communities that affirm your worth.
Release the Need for Resolution: Healing doesn’t require an apology or closure from the other person. It comes from accepting that you can move forward without their participation.
Reader Reflection Questions
Take some time to reflect on your own feelings about forgiveness:
- What does forgiveness mean to you? Do you feel ready to explore it?
- If forgiveness feels out of reach, what steps can you take to focus on your own healing?
- How can you honor your truth, whether or not forgiveness is part of your journey?
A Final Thought on Forgiveness
Forgiveness is a choice, not an obligation. It’s something you can explore in your own time - or not at all. What matters most is that you prioritize your healing, your growth, and your peace.
Whether you choose forgiveness, healing without it, or something in between, know this: you are not defined by the harm you’ve endured. You are defined by the strength and grace you bring to your journey forward.
In the next chapter, we’ll explore what it means to live authentically, building a life that reflects your truth and celebrates your identity in all its beauty.
