Chapter 14: Living Authentically

“Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind.” – Dr. Seuss

The Courage to Be Fully Yourself

Living authentically means showing up in the world as your full self - your truth, your identity, your values - without shrinking to fit others’ expectations. It’s not just about rejecting the systems or people who tried to define you; it’s about creating a life where you define yourself.

But authenticity isn’t always easy. It requires vulnerability, courage, and a willingness to embrace uncertainty. It means letting go of the masks you’ve worn to survive and trusting that who you are - exactly as you are - is enough.

What Authenticity Looks Like

Living authentically doesn’t mean being perfect or fearless. It means:

Honoring Your Values: Choosing actions and relationships that align with what matters most to you.

Embracing Your Identity: Celebrating who you are, even when it challenges others’ expectations.

Speaking Your Truth: Expressing your feelings, needs, and boundaries with clarity and confidence.

Accepting Your Humanity: Allowing yourself to be imperfect, to make mistakes, and to grow without shame.

The Rewards of Authenticity

When you live authentically, you create a life that feels real, fulfilling, and meaningful. Here’s what authenticity can bring:

A Sense of Freedom: No longer hiding parts of yourself means you can move through the world with less fear and more ease.

Stronger Connections: Authenticity attracts people who love and respect you for who you truly are, deepening your relationships.

Self-Trust: The more you honor your truth, the more you learn to trust your instincts and decisions.

Inner Peace: Living authentically quiets the conflict between who you are and who you’ve been told to be, bringing a sense of harmony to your life.

A Narrative Example: Embracing Authenticity

Biases are a universal human trait, even for those of us who face stereotypes and injustices. It’s easy to assume that others experience the world as we do, particularly when our understanding hasn’t been challenged by diverse perspectives. For me, this bias played a significant role in how I came to understand my own identity as a bisexual man.

As a child, I sensed that something about me was different, but I struggled to define it. The outcomes were obvious, but the causes weren't. I remember asking my best friend, in what felt like a groundbreaking question at the time: “Can you tell if a woman is attractive before anyone else says so?” Her casual response - “Sure, I guess” - left me feeling both relieved and unsettled. Was she like me, or was she simply brushing off a question she didn’t fully understand? The ambiguity only deepened my sense of confusion, and I didn't want to press the topic.

For me, being attracted to women provided an easy way to avoid exploring the full scope of my feelings, at first. Without close emotional relationships during early adolescence, there was little to force me to confront the parts of myself that didn’t align with societal expectations directly. My early exploration of love and attraction was purely theoretical, detached from the realities of intimacy and identity.

It wasn’t until I grew a bit older and developed deeper self-awareness that I began to grapple with the full truth of my orientation. Unlike some gay men who "always knew", or who describe sudden, transformative realizations - often triggered by a specific person or moment - my revelatory moment came slowly. I realized that my emotional and romantic journey with men mirrored my experiences with women: a spark of interest could grow into connection, safety, love, and ultimately, the desire for physical closeness as an expression of emotional intimacy - a journey that seemed somehow fundamentally different from the way others experienced same-sex relationships.

The moment that forced me to confront the fact that my identity was more than just "learned attraction to arbitrary cultural standards of beauty" wasn’t tied to attraction at all - but to heartbreak. I realized I had feelings for someone who could never reciprocate them. The pain of unrequited love was compounded by my horror at the thought of losing a friendship I deeply valued. I felt truly powerless over my emotions and isolated in my struggle. There was no safe space to process what I was feeling, or even acknowledge it.

Growing up I had internalized the belief that being gay - or bisexual - was akin to moral failure, and that it wasn't an orientation but a choice. In my worldview, every sin was a choice, whether it was lying, stealing, or being “tempted” by same-sex attraction. When I realized I had these feelings, I couldn’t reconcile them with what I’d been taught. For a time, I believed everyone must be bisexual, and that I was simply more honest or self-aware than others. Only later did I come to understand the vast diversity of human experiences - and to accept that others’ truths might differ radically from mine.

But the question lingered: Was being "bisexual" a choice? Couldn’t I just choose to only date women?

For years, I tried. I treated my bisexuality as a preference that could be minimized, like choosing partners based on shared interests or other traits. I rationalized that if I found happiness with a woman, there would be no need to acknowledge the other parts of my identity. But this approach was a trap. In hiding those parts of myself, I deprived both my partners and myself of deeper intimacy and understanding.

What I’ve come to realize is that my bisexuality isn’t just about who I’m attracted to - it’s a lens through which I see the world. It shapes my empathy, my relationships, and my understanding of love. By denying it, I wasn’t just suppressing an aspect of my identity; I was limiting my capacity to connect authentically with others.

Whether LGBTQ+ or not, this is a call to reflect on the ways we hide or diminish parts of ourselves to fit others’ expectations. The lessons I learned about embracing my full identity apply universally: authenticity deepens connection, and self-acceptance liberates us to experience love without limits. We all have lenses shaped by our unique experiences, and those lenses are what make our perspectives valuable. Recognizing and honoring them isn’t just a gift to ourselves - it’s a gift to the people we love.

How to Begin Living Authentically

Define Your Truth: Take time to reflect on what authenticity means to you. Ask yourself:

• “What parts of myself have I been hiding, and why?”
• “What does it look like to live in alignment with my values?”

Start Small: Authenticity doesn’t have to be all-or-nothing. Begin with small acts of self-expression, like sharing your pronouns, decorating your space to reflect your identity, or speaking up about your feelings in a safe relationship.

Let Go of Perfectionism: Authenticity isn’t about getting it “right” every time. It’s okay to feel nervous, make mistakes, or second-guess yourself. Growth is part of the process.

Surround Yourself with Affirmation: Build relationships and communities that celebrate your authenticity and remind you of your worth.

Celebrate Your Wins: Every step toward authenticity is a victory, no matter how small. Take time to acknowledge and celebrate the progress you’re making.

When Authenticity Feels Risky

Living authentically doesn’t mean putting yourself in harm’s way. In environments where your safety or stability is at risk, it’s okay to protect parts of your identity until you feel secure enough to share them. Authenticity is a journey, not a destination - and your safety always comes first.

Reader Reflection Questions

As you think about what it means to live authentically, consider these questions:

• What parts of yourself have you been hiding, and how might it feel to let them show?
• What’s one small step you can take today to express your truth?
• What would a life built on your values, identity, and truth look like?

A Final Thought on Living Authentically

Living authentically isn’t about perfection - it’s about progress. It’s about waking up each day and choosing to honor your truth, even when it feels hard or uncertain. It’s about trusting that who you are is enough, no matter what the world around you says.

As you move forward, remember this: your authenticity isn’t just a gift to yourself - it’s a gift to the world. By living boldly, you create space for others to do the same. You show them that it’s possible to be fully seen, fully loved, and fully yourself.