Preamble: Conditional Love: A Universal Problem
“You can’t go back and change the beginning, but you can start where you are and change the ending.” – C.S. Lewis
The Big Picture
Conditional love isn’t just a personal struggle; it’s a cultural and societal epidemic. It shows up everywhere: in families, communities, and even entire nations. When love becomes transactional - I will accept you if… - it ceases to be love. It becomes fear, control, and exclusion. This isn’t just about you or me; it’s about the world we’ve built and how we can change it.
At its core, conditional love is about power. It creates hierarchies, enforces conformity, and punishes difference. It whispers to individuals that their worth is tied to their obedience, their ability to meet expectations they never agreed to. It manifests in the quiet moments of personal relationships and echoes in the loud proclamations of institutions and ideologies.
But this dynamic is not unique to any one person or group. History is filled with examples of how conditional love has been weaponized, not just to control individuals, but to suppress entire communities. By examining these examples, we can begin to see the pattern, understand its impact, and learn how to resist it.
In 2014, an open letter to Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, leader of ISIS, challenged the group’s perversion of Islamic theology. Signed by over 120 Muslim scholars, the letter meticulously dismantled the group’s actions, showing how their ideology violated the fundamental principles of Islam, which prioritize compassion, justice, and respect for humanity. The message was clear: the version of love and loyalty demanded by ISIS was not love at all - it was coercion, dressed in the language of faith.
This isn’t unique to Islam. In the United States, Christian nationalism has similarly distorted the teachings of Jesus, transforming a message of universal love into a tool for exclusion and control. Pastor James Talarico, in his 2023 sermon against Christian nationalism, put it plainly: “Jesus liberates. Christian nationalism controls.” Across religions, conditional love is often used to justify systems that demand conformity at the cost of individuality.
Christianity has been both a source of profound love and liberation and, at times, a tool of exclusion and control. One of the starkest examples of this contradiction lies in the way Christianity was used to justify racism and uphold segregation in the United States. Throughout the 19th and 20th centuries, many white Christian leaders argued that racial segregation was divinely ordained, using scripture to enforce societal hierarchies and justify systems of oppression.
For example, during the Civil Rights Movement, activists like Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. faced opposition from Christian clergy who claimed that efforts to dismantle segregation were disruptive and un-Christian. In his famous "Letter from Birmingham Jail," King addressed these critics directly, stating that their refusal to support the fight for equality was a betrayal of the gospel’s message of love and justice.
Resistance to this exclusion came from within the Christian community as well. Black churches became centers of activism, preaching a theology of liberation that rejected the conditional acceptance offered by white-dominated society. These churches provided not only spiritual solace but also practical support for those fighting against racism, illustrating that love rooted in justice and equality has the power to dismantle systems of exclusion.
The caste system in India, one of the oldest forms of social stratification, offers another stark example. For centuries, individuals born into lower castes were denied basic rights, respect, and opportunities. Even today, despite legal reforms, the remnants of the system linger. For those in marginalized castes, acceptance is often tied to their willingness to adhere to roles and expectations dictated by tradition. Breaking free from these expectations can lead to ostracism, but it can also spark transformative change.
Dr. B.R. Ambedkar, a Dalit leader and architect of India’s constitution, exemplified this resistance. By rejecting the conditional acceptance offered by the caste system, he not only reclaimed his own dignity but also paved the way for others to do the same. His story reminds us that questioning conditional love isn’t just an act of defiance - it’s an act of liberation.
Their struggle serves as a reminder that true love does not enforce hierarchies or demand conformity. It liberates and affirms the dignity of every individual, standing in opposition to systems that seek to control through fear or exclusion.
Their resistance mirrors broader struggles against political systems that enforce conditional respect. Whether it’s apartheid in South Africa, racial segregation in the U.S., or gender-based exclusion globally, these dynamics reveal a universal truth: systems built on conditional love and acceptance will always fail to sustain justice.
Why This Matters
These examples aren’t just lessons in history - they’re mirrors. They reflect back the patterns of conditional love we see in our own lives, even if the scale is different. They ask us to consider:
Where have I been made to feel small for not conforming?
Where have I made others feel small for the same reason?
This book is not just a critique of conditional love - it’s a roadmap for reclaiming yourself. By confronting the weight of expectations, breaking free from systems that demand conformity, and building relationships rooted in unconditional acceptance, you can reclaim your voice and your worth.
Let these examples guide you. They are proof that resistance is possible, that freedom begins within, and that love - real love - doesn’t demand that you change who you are to deserve it. It celebrates the fullness of your individuality and empowers you to embrace the same in others.
Sermon Against Christian Nationalism
"My granddad was a Baptist preacher. I've been a member of this church since I was two years old. And now I'm in seminary studying to become a minister myself. My faith means more to me than anything. But if I'm being very honest, sometimes I hesitate before telling someone I'm a Christian.
There is a cancer on our religion. Until we confess the sin that is Christian Nationalism, and excise it from our churches, our religion can do a lot more damage than a six-pack of [beer].
There is nothing Christian about Christian Nationalism. It is the worship of power - social power, economic power, political power - in the name of Christ. And it is a betrayal of Jesus of Nazareth.
He told us "we would know them by their fruits."
Jesus includes. Christian Nationalism excludes.
Jesus liberates. Christian Nationalism controls.
Jesus saves. Christian Nationalism kills.
Jesus started a universal movement based on mutual love
Christian Nationalism is a sectarian movement based on mutual hate.
Jesus came to transform the world. Christian Nationalism is here to maintain the status quo.
They have co-opted the Son of God. They've turned this humble Rabbi into a gun-toting, gay-bashing, science-denying, money-loving, fear-mongering, fascist.
And it is incumbent upon all Christians to confront it, and denounce it."
Pastor James Talarico
October 22nd, 2023
https://youtu.be/Blph_2RSBno?t=66
An Open Letter to al-Baghdadi
[In] an open letter to Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, the leader of the Islamic State of Iraq and Syria [which was] published in 2014 as a theological refutation of the practices and ideology of the Islamic State of Iraq and Syria [and signed by] numerous Muslim theologians, lawmakers and community leaders from Egypt, the United States, Pakistan, Nigeria, and others, [...] Nihad Awad of the Council on American Islamic Relations [...] said:
"You have misinterpreted Islam into a religion of harshness, brutality, torture and murder. This is a great wrong and an offense to Islam, to Muslims and to the entire world."
Amongst the principles declared were:
- It is permissible in Islam [for scholars] to differ on any matter, except those fundamentals of religion that all Muslims must know.
- It is forbidden in Islam to ignore the reality of contemporary times when deriving legal rulings.
- It is forbidden in Islam to kill the innocent.
- It is forbidden in Islam to kill emissaries, ambassadors, and diplomats; hence it is forbidden to kill journalists and aid workers.
- It is forbidden in Islam to harm or mistreat - in any way - Christians or any ‘People of the Scripture’.
- It is obligatory to consider Yazidis as People of the Scripture.
- It is forbidden in Islam to force people to convert.
- It is forbidden in Islam to deny women their rights.
- It is forbidden in Islam to deny children their rights.
- It is forbidden in Islam to enact legal punishments (hudud) without following the correct procedures that ensure justice and mercy.
- It is forbidden in Islam to attribute evil acts to God ﷻ.
- Loyalty to one’s nation is permissible in Islam.
- After the death of the Prophet ﷺ, Islam does not require anyone to emigrate anywhere.
