Chapter 1: The Deception of Conditional Love

“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.” – Rumi

The Foundation of Love

If you’re reading this, there’s a good chance you’ve heard some version of the phrase: “I’m doing this because I love you.”

At first, it might sound comforting, even reassuring. Love, after all, is supposed to mean care and protection, isn’t it? But sometimes, even when those words are spoken with conviction, they don’t feel like love. Sometimes they feel like something else - like control, or rejection, or disappointment. And when you grow up in a space where love is closely tied to expectations and rules, it can feel confusing, even disorienting, to sort out where love ends and conditions begin.

You might have heard phrases like, “I love you, but…” or “I love you too much to let you make these mistakes with your life.” You might have felt their love come with strings attached - whether it’s tied to how you behave, what you believe, or even who you are. And here’s the hard part: in their mind, they really do think they’re loving you. They might not even realize that the way they’re showing love is hurting you.

That’s what makes this so complicated. Because in a way, they’re trapped too - trapped in ideas they’ve been taught about what love looks like, ideas that tell them it’s their job to “correct” you, even when it creates a rift between you. For many parents, especially those in deeply religious communities, love has been taught as something they must protect - not just you, but the ideals they believe you should follow. And sometimes, without realizing it, that love gets tangled up with fear - fear for your future, fear of being wrong, fear of the unknown.

But no matter how well-intentioned their love may be, here’s a truth you need to hold onto: Real love doesn’t make you feel small. Real love doesn’t ask you to change who you are to fit someone else’s idea of who you should be. And even when they don’t mean to, people can mix love with control in ways that are hard to untangle.

The Language of Love with Conditions

Conditional love often hides behind words that seem kind. But underneath the surface, it can carry messages that make you question your worth. Maybe you’ve heard things like:

  • “I love you, but I can’t accept your lifestyle.”
  • “If you loved me, you would do the right thing."
  • “I’m just trying to help you see the truth because I care about you.”

On the surface, these words might sound protective, even nurturing. But how do they make you feel? Do they leave you feeling seen, heard, and accepted - or do they make you feel like you’ll never be enough?

Here’s the thing: many parents and loved ones don’t realize the weight of these words. They don’t realize that their attempt to “help” often comes across as judgment or rejection. They might think they’re doing what’s best for you, but in reality, they’re holding onto ideas about love that leave no room for who you truly are.

This is where the confusion starts. Because if you love them - and they love you - how can their love make you feel so small? And how can it feel so impossible to explain that to them?

A Conversational Example

Let’s take a closer look at what this might sound like. Imagine a conversation where someone who loves you is struggling to reconcile their feelings for you with the beliefs they’ve been taught:

Parent: "You know I love you, right? But I can’t pretend to support something I believe is wrong."

You: "I know you love me. But when you say that, it feels like you’re rejecting me, not just my choices."

Parent: "I’m not rejecting you. I just want what’s best for you."

You: "But this is part of who I am. And when you say you love me, but you can’t accept this part of me, it feels like I have to choose between your love and my truth."

Parent: "It’s not about you - it’s about doing what’s right."

You: "I hear that you want what’s best for me. But for me to feel loved, I need to know that you see me for who I really am, not who you think I should be."

Breaking Down the Dynamic

This conversation captures one of the most difficult realities of love with conditions: it often comes from a place of genuine care, but it still creates pain and confusion. The parent’s words reflect their belief that love and correction go hand in hand. The child, on the other hand, is trying to explain how that correction feels like rejection.

Both people in this exchange might genuinely want to connect, but the gap between them - built on expectations, beliefs, and fear - keeps them from fully hearing each other. The child feels unseen, while the parent feels like they’re doing the right thing. This is the fog we talked about in the introduction - the space where love and control become hard to separate.

Steps Toward Clarity

If this dynamic feels familiar, you’re not alone. Many people have faced similar conversations, and it’s easy to walk away feeling frustrated, unseen, or even guilty for trying to express your truth. But here’s the good news: you can start to untangle this fog.

Name the Feeling: Ask yourself: How do their words make me feel? Do they make me feel loved and accepted, or do they make me feel small? Naming the feeling is the first step to recognizing the difference between love and control.

Reframe the Situation: Understand that their words often come from fear, not hate. While this doesn’t excuse the harm, it can help you see that their actions are about them, not you.

Hold Onto Your Truth: Remember: love doesn’t need to be earned. You are inherently worthy of love and respect simply for being who you are. While it’s fair for people to set boundaries around actions or behaviors - like supporting harmful organizations or speaking disrespectfully - it is not love to demand someone change their core identity or beliefs to deserve kindness or good treatment. True love celebrates authenticity, not conformity.

Start Setting Boundaries: Boundaries don’t have to be harsh. They can sound like, “I know you care about me, but I need you to respect my choices.” (See: chapter 4.)

Moving Forward

Love with conditions is not just hard to face - it’s heartbreaking. To realize that the love you’ve depended on might come with strings attached is a truth that cuts deeply, one that’s often easier to deny than confront. This pain doesn’t just stem from the hurt of feeling unseen; it’s rooted in the shattering of an ideal - the belief that love, especially from a parent, should be unconditional. But here’s the reality: none of us love perfectly. We all have shortcomings in how we express and show love.

For many people, including your parents, love with conditions might feel like love in its truest form. It might even feel, to them, like an act of care, protection, or moral duty. But love that asks you to change who you are at your core isn’t love - it’s fear dressed up as care. And recognizing this distinction isn’t about blaming or vilifying - it’s about seeing clearly and freeing yourself from the weight of impossible expectations.

This first step - acknowledging the difference between love and control - is the foundation for everything that comes next. It’s not an easy step. It requires both courage and compassion: courage to confront the heartbreak of conditional love, and compassion to understand that imperfection exists in all of us, even those who have hurt us.

As you move forward, remember this: seeing the limitations in someone else’s love doesn’t diminish your worth. In fact, it’s a testament to your strength and clarity that you can face the fog, name it for what it is, and begin the process of clearing it away. This journey is not about rejecting love but about reclaiming your voice, your truth, and your sense of worth. And in doing so, you’ll not only see yourself more fully - you’ll open the door to building relationships that honor the fullness of who you are.

A Different Lens: The Hijab Debate in Modern Iran

In Iran, the hijab is not merely a piece of clothing; it is a legal mandate and a powerful symbol of societal expectations. Women are required by law to wear it in public, with non-compliance often resulting in fines, imprisonment, or worse. For some women, the hijab is a meaningful expression of their faith and identity, a choice they make willingly and proudly. For others, it represents a form of conditional acceptance: We accept you, but only if you conform.

This dynamic mirrors the broader struggle explored in this book - how love, respect, and acceptance can be weaponized to enforce conformity. When a woman is told she must wear the hijab to be considered virtuous, respected, or safe, it creates a transactional relationship between her individuality and her society’s approval. It’s a clear message that acceptance is conditional, tethered not to who she is, but to how closely she aligns with societal norms.

The consequences of this conditionality go beyond legal penalties. Women who resist the hijab often face ostracism from their families, communities, and even workplaces. In many cases, the pressure to conform is framed as an act of love: parents insist on the hijab to protect their daughters from societal judgment or legal consequences. The same rationale echoes in other cultural contexts, where families impose strict rules on their children under the guise of care and concern.

The ongoing protests in Iran, ignited by the tragic death of Mahsa Amini in 2022, have brought global attention to the hijab debate. Amini was arrested by the country’s morality police for allegedly wearing her hijab improperly and later died in custody, sparking outrage and defiance among Iranian women and men alike. These protests are not just about the hijab; they are about autonomy, freedom, and the right to make choices without fear of punishment.

The hijab debate raises profound questions: Can love or respect truly exist without freedom of choice? When a society - or a family - demands compliance as a condition for acceptance, is that love, or is it control? For many Iranian women, the fight against mandatory hijab laws is not about rejecting faith, but about reclaiming agency. They are asking for the right to choose what the hijab means to them, rather than having its meaning imposed by external forces.

This struggle is not unique to Iran. Across cultures, individuals face similar dynamics when love, respect, or belonging are tied to conditions that demand conformity. The universal lesson is clear: true love and respect cannot coexist with coercion. Whether the context is societal expectations or familial relationships, the key to genuine connection lies in honoring autonomy and celebrating individuality.

Special Skills: Processing Difficult Emotions

There’s a reason it’s so hard to face your own feelings when you’re struggling in a complex relationship, especially with a parent or someone who holds a position of authority in your life. Feelings of guilt, loyalty, and confusion can make it almost impossible to untangle what’s happening. Often, you might not even know what you’re feeling - just that something doesn’t sit right.

In moments like these, stepping back and examining patterns of behavior, actions, and consequences can help. This approach is rooted in behavioral psychology, where looking at external patterns can illuminate dynamics that are hard to see when you're focused on emotions. It can help you make sense of what’s happening even when you’re not ready - or able - to name your feelings.

Behavior, Action, Consequence: A Framework for Clarity

When emotions are overwhelming, external patterns are often easier to track. Instead of asking, “How do I feel about this?” ask:

What is the behavior? Focus on observable behaviors from the people in your life. What are they doing? What are they saying? Avoid interpreting intent - stick to what you’ve seen or heard.

  • "My mom says, ‘I love you, but I can’t accept your lifestyle.’"
  • "My dad avoids mentioning my partner in conversations."

What is the action? Look at how those behaviors translate into actions, both theirs and yours. What does their behavior cause you to do - or stop doing?

  • "She avoids telling her friends about my relationships even when I'm excited for them."
  • "I’ve stopped talking about my relationship around him."

What are the consequences? Examine the outcomes of these actions. How do they shape your relationship? What impact do they have on you, on your sense of self, and on your ability to live authentically?

  • "Her actions make me feel like I have to hide a core part of myself to stay in her life."
  • "His avoidance leaves me feeling erased and unworthy of acknowledgement."

Why This Framework Works

This approach creates distance from emotionally charged situations, allowing you to look at what’s happening more objectively. It’s not about suppressing your feelings - it’s about giving yourself time to see the patterns before diving into how they make you feel.

Over time, the external patterns will reveal recurring dynamics, and you’ll start to notice emotions bubbling up naturally:

  • "Her refusal to invite my partner makes me feel excluded."
  • "His silence makes me feel like I don’t exist."

The beauty of this framework is that it doesn’t require you to force those feelings into the open. It’s a gentle way to connect the dots, letting clarity emerge at its own pace.

This framework builds on principles from behavioral psychology, including: Antecedent → Behavior → Consequence (ABC), Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), and Behavioral Feedback Loops.

What makes this version unique is its focus on external observation as a bridge to internal understanding. By grounding yourself in what you can see objectively, you create a safe path to acknowledging feelings that might otherwise feel too overwhelming or risky to confront.

A Gentle Path to Recognition

If even this feels daunting, start small. Focus on just one instance:

  1. What happened?
  2. What action followed?
  3. What changed as a result?

Ask yourself: Does this pattern bring me closer to feeling loved, valued, and safe? Or does it leave me feeling more distant and uncertain?

These questions may not give you immediate answers, but they will create a foundation for reflection. And as you begin to notice patterns, you’ll find it easier to see where your feelings fit.

Final Thoughts

Acknowledging your feelings doesn’t have to be an all-or-nothing process. It can start with simply observing what’s happening, trusting that your emotions will catch up when they’re ready. This framework isn’t about fixing or blaming - it’s about clarity. And with clarity comes the power to take your next step, whatever that may be.