Chapter 2: The Trap of Obedience
“You were born to stand out, not to fit in.” – Roy T. Bennett
The Myth of Being "Good"
For many of us raised in deeply religious or controlling environments, being "good" is the ultimate goal. It’s a word we hear from the moment we can talk: Be a good kid. Do the right thing. Don't embarrass us. But as we grow older, we start to notice something troubling. Being “good” often seems less about kindness, fairness, or love - and more about compliance.
Obedience is often framed as the ultimate form of goodness. Following the rules, respecting authority, keeping the peace - all of these are presented as moral virtues, and questioning them feels like rebellion. But what if the rules you’re following don’t make sense? What if the authority you’re obeying is flawed? What if keeping the peace means sacrificing your own voice?
Here’s the hard truth: Obedience, when demanded without question, isn’t about being good. It’s about control. And the trap is this: the more obedient you are, the more that control tightens around you. Over time, it can become almost impossible to tell the difference between being “good” and being silent.
How Obedience Becomes a Trap
Obedience feels safe at first. When you do what’s expected of you, you avoid conflict. You get praise. You feel like you’re fulfilling your role in the family, the church, or the community. But there’s a price for this safety: to stay obedient, you often have to ignore your own instincts. You learn to push down the questions, the doubts, and the quiet, nagging voice inside you that says, Something isn’t right.
And here’s where the trap gets tighter. The more you ignore that voice, the more distant it feels. You begin to doubt yourself, and the people demanding your obedience seem stronger, wiser, more in control. It’s easy to tell yourself, Maybe they’re right. Maybe I’m the problem. And so, you obey again. And again. Until obedience becomes automatic, and you can no longer tell whether it’s a choice or a habit.
A Conversational Example
Let’s imagine a conversation that illustrates how obedience is reinforced and internalized:
Parent: "I don’t understand why you can’t just trust me on this. We’ve raised you to know right from wrong."
You: "I do trust you, but sometimes it feels like you’re not listening to what I’m trying to say."
Parent: "Listening? You’re the one who’s not listening. We know what’s best for you. You need to stop arguing and trust us."
You: "I’m not trying to argue. I just want to explain how I feel about this."
Parent: "And I’m telling you that how you feel doesn’t change what’s right. Sometimes you need to put your feelings aside and do what’s expected of you."
Breaking Down the Dynamic
In this exchange, the parent frames obedience as a form of love and respect. The child’s desire to express their feelings is dismissed as rebellion or arguing, and their individuality is treated as a threat to family harmony. Notice how the parent shifts the focus from the child’s needs to the family’s expectations, reinforcing the idea that being “good” means complying without question.
For the child, this creates a conflict: Do I stay silent to keep the peace, or do I speak up and risk being labeled ungrateful or disrespectful? Over time, the constant demand for obedience can make it feel impossible to trust their own voice. And that’s exactly how the trap works.
The Costs of Obedience
The real danger of obedience is what it asks you to sacrifice. To stay obedient, you often have to:
Suppress Your Instincts: You learn to doubt your own thoughts and feelings, prioritizing what others expect over what you know to be true.
Avoid Conflict at All Costs: You tell yourself it’s easier to go along with things than to speak up, even when silence feels like betrayal.
Equate Authority with Morality: You begin to believe that people in positions of power - parents, pastors, leaders - must be right simply because they’re in charge.
The longer this goes on, the harder it becomes to recognize the difference between compliance and choice. You might even start to feel guilty for questioning authority, as if the act of thinking for yourself is a moral failing.
Steps Toward Freedom
If you’re feeling stuck in the trap of obedience, here are some steps to help you start breaking free:
Recognize the Pattern: Pay attention to when you feel pressure to comply. What are you being asked to do or believe? Who is asking you? Is it truly in line with your values, or does it feel like you’re being pushed to ignore yourself?
Practice Small Acts of Choice: Start with small decisions where you exercise your voice. For example:
- If someone asks, “Do you agree with this?” practice saying, “Actually, I’m not sure I do.”
- If you’re told, “This is the way things are done,” ask, “Why?”
Separate Respect from Agreement: It’s possible to respect someone’s role in your life without agreeing with everything they say. You can think; I value you as my parent, but I don’t have to accept your views as my own.
Rebuild Trust in Your Voice: Remember that your instincts are there to protect you. If something feels off, it’s worth exploring - even if others tell you it’s not.
Moving Forward
Obedience can feel like love. It can feel like loyalty. It can feel like safety. But when obedience asks you to silence yourself, to ignore your instincts, or to sacrifice your truth, it’s no longer about goodness - it’s about control.
Breaking free from the trap of obedience doesn’t mean rejecting everyone in your life or turning your back on your family. It means learning to listen to your own voice and recognizing that being "good" doesn’t have to mean staying silent. True goodness - true love - always leaves room for your truth.
In the next chapter, we’ll explore one of the most powerful tools for reclaiming your voice: asking questions that challenge the status quo and allow you to see clearly through the fog.
A Different Lens: The Courage to Disobey
Throughout history, acts of disobedience have shaped the world we live in, challenging unjust systems and inspiring movements that reclaim freedom and dignity. The parallels across causes, times, and cultures are striking, and they reveal a universal truth: true progress often comes from those willing to defy authority when it demands conformity at the cost of humanity.
Here are just a few examples of disobedience that changed the course of history, each echoing the courage to say, no, this is not right:
Rosa Parks
In 1955, Rosa Parks refused to give up her seat to a white passenger on a segregated bus in Montgomery, Alabama. Her quiet act of defiance ignited the Montgomery Bus Boycott, a pivotal moment in the Civil Rights Movement. Parks’ resistance challenged a system that demanded compliance to maintain racial inequality. By disobeying, she reclaimed her dignity and showed the world that obedience to injustice is not a moral obligation.
The Tiananmen Square Protester
In 1989, a lone man carrying shopping bags stood in front of a column of tanks during the pro-democracy protests in Beijing. Known only as “Tank Man,” his act of defiance became a global symbol of resistance against authoritarianism. In a society where obedience to the state was demanded above all else, this anonymous individual’s courage reminded the world that one person’s disobedience can challenge the might of an oppressive regime.
The Velvet Revolution
In 1989, peaceful protests and strikes in Czechoslovakia led to the end of communist rule, in what became known as the Velvet Revolution. Citizens rejected decades of oppression through nonviolent disobedience, demonstrating that refusing to comply with unjust authority can dismantle even the most entrenched systems. Their actions affirmed that obedience is not inherently virtuous - its morality depends on the authority being obeyed.
The Underground Railroad
During the 19th century, the Underground Railroad helped enslaved people escape to freedom in defiance of laws that demanded their return to their enslavers. Those who operated the Railroad risked imprisonment and violence, prioritizing moral justice over legal obedience. Their disobedience was an act of love and humanity, proving that sometimes, breaking the rules is the only way to uphold human dignity.
Mahatma Gandhi’s Salt March
In 1930, Mahatma Gandhi led the Salt March, a nonviolent protest against British colonial rule in India. By openly defying a law that prohibited Indians from collecting or selling salt, Gandhi exposed the absurdity and cruelty of colonial authority. His act of disobedience inspired millions to challenge the legitimacy of British rule and demonstrated the power of peaceful resistance.
The Women’s Suffrage Movement
In the early 20th century, British suffragettes defied societal and legal norms to fight for women’s right to vote. They disrupted public events, endured imprisonment, and faced ridicule for their cause. Their disobedience wasn’t just rebellion - it was a demand to be seen and respected as equals. Their courage reminds us that progress often comes from those who refuse to accept the status quo.
LGBTQ+ Activism in Poland
In modern-day Poland, activists are defying discriminatory “LGBT-free zones” established by conservative municipalities. Through Pride marches and public demonstrations, they resist policies that demand silence and invisibility. Their fight highlights the ongoing struggle for equality and the courage required to challenge authority that denies dignity to marginalized communities.
A Universal Lesson
What unites these stories is the shared courage to resist systems that demand obedience at the expense of individuality and freedom. These acts of disobedience - whether quiet or loud, individual or collective - show us that true progress often requires standing up to authority and saying, no.
As readers reflect on their own lives, these examples serve as powerful reminders that disobedience, when rooted in love, justice, and authenticity, is a force for good. Whether in the face of societal expectations, familial control, or institutional injustice, the courage to defy can create ripples that change the world.
By looking at these movements, we can begin to see our own struggles within a broader context. The dynamics of conditional love, control, and conformity play out not only in our personal lives but also on the world stage. And just as these historical figures found the strength to resist, so too can we find the courage to reclaim our own voices and truths.
