Chapter 3: The Power of Questions

“Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment.” – Buddha

Why Asking “Why” is Revolutionary

When you’re raised in an environment where obedience is prized above all else, asking questions can feel like an act of rebellion. It’s one thing to wonder silently - to feel the discomfort of something that doesn’t quite make sense - but saying those questions out loud? That’s different. That’s dangerous.

If you’ve ever tried to challenge a rule, a belief, or an expectation, you’ve probably heard responses like:

• “Because that’s the way it is.”
• “We don’t question God’s word.”
• “Because we know what's best for you.”

These phrases are designed to shut the conversation down. They’re not answers - they’re roadblocks. And they often work because they tap into your deepest fears: the fear of disappointing your family, your community, or even God. But here’s the truth: asking questions isn’t rebellion - it’s discovery.

Why Questions Are So Powerful

Questions are the antidote to control. They force us - and the people around us - to pause and think. They create space for exploration, for understanding, and for change. And most importantly, they can reveal cracks in the systems we’ve been taught to follow without question.

Think of a belief, rule, or expectation that feels unshakable in your world. Now ask yourself: Why does this exist? Who benefits from it? Who is harmed by it? Questions like these are simple but revolutionary because they shift the focus away from blind obedience and toward understanding.

A Conversational Example

Let’s look at how a question can change the dynamic of a conversation:

Parent: "You know this family doesn’t believe in that lifestyle. And it's not how you were raised, either."

Child: "Why do you think that is? Why do you think our family is so focused on this one issue?"

Parent: "Because it’s what the Bible says. God’s word is clear."

Child: "But the Bible says a lot of things we don’t follow anymore. Why do you think this one part is still so important to us?"

Parent: "Well, it’s just… the way it’s always been."

Child: "Do you think that means it’s right? Or just familiar?"

Breaking Down the Dynamic

Notice what happens in this exchange. The child doesn’t argue, accuse, or reject their parent’s beliefs outright. Instead, they use questions to shift the focus from themselves to the belief itself. By asking “why,” they invite the parent to examine their assumptions, creating a moment of reflection that might not have existed otherwise.

Even if the parent doesn’t fully engage with these questions, they’ve been given an opportunity to think critically - something that doesn’t often happen in systems built on unexamined authority. And for the child, this approach serves another purpose: it allows them to reclaim the power in the conversation without escalating conflict.

How Questions Can Help You

If asking questions feels intimidating, that’s okay. It’s natural to worry about how people will react, especially if you’ve been taught that questioning authority is the same as disrespecting it. But starting small can help you build confidence.

Here are some ways questions can support you:

Questions Create Distance from Conflict: When you feel like you’re in a battle over beliefs, asking questions can diffuse tension. Instead of saying, “You’re wrong,” you can ask, “Why do you think that?” This shifts the conversation from confrontation to curiosity.

Questions Help You Clarify Your Own Thoughts: Sometimes, asking a question out loud can reveal what’s bothering you in ways you hadn’t realized. For example: “Why does this rule exist?” might lead you to discover, “I don’t think it actually helps anyone - it just feels oppressive.”

Questions Open Doors for Understanding: Even when someone doesn’t answer honestly or thoughtfully, your question can plant a seed. It invites them to reflect, even if the answers don’t come right away.

Questions to Ask When You Feel Stuck

Not all questions will resonate in every situation, but here are a few to try when you’re feeling trapped or confused:

Questions About Beliefs

• “Why is this so important to you?”
• “Where does this belief come from?”
• “Are there other ways to interpret this?”

Questions About Impact

• “How does this belief help us?”
• “Who benefits from this rule, and who is harmed by it?”
• “What would happen if we thought about this differently?”

Questions About Change

• “Do you think our family has always followed this perfectly?”
• “Why do we follow this but not other parts of the Bible?”
• “Have you ever wondered if this could change someday?”

What to Do When Questions Aren’t Welcomed

Let’s be honest: not everyone will be open to your questions. Some people will respond with defensiveness, anger, or more roadblocks. When this happens, it’s important to remember: Their reaction isn’t about you - it’s about their discomfort with what your question represents.

If you encounter resistance, here’s how to protect yourself:

Stay Calm: If someone shuts you down, take a deep breath. Remind yourself that asking the question was still valuable, even if they didn’t engage.

Choose Your Battles: Not every conversation will be worth pursuing. If someone consistently refuses to reflect, it’s okay to step back and save your energy for people who are willing to listen.

Ask Yourself the Same Questions: Even if someone else won’t engage with your questions, you can still reflect on them yourself. Sometimes, the act of asking is more about your own growth than their response.

Moving Forward

Questions are powerful because they’re open-ended. They don’t demand agreement or create ultimatums - they simply invite reflection. When you start asking questions, you take the first step in reclaiming your ability to think critically, to explore alternatives, and to trust your own instincts.

In the next chapter, we’ll explore one of the most difficult but transformative steps in this journey: setting boundaries that honor your truth, even when others resist.

A Different Lens: Questioning the Caste System in India

India’s caste system, one of the oldest forms of social stratification, has been a deeply entrenched framework governing lives for centuries. While the system is officially outlawed, its lingering presence continues to shape opportunities, relationships, and societal perceptions. For individuals born into marginalized castes, stepping outside the boundaries prescribed by this hierarchy is an act of courage that often comes with significant personal risk.

Take, for example, the fight for education. Historically, access to learning was denied to those in lower castes, seen as a privilege reserved for the "upper" classes. Today, while laws prohibit discrimination, many young people from Dalit (formerly "Untouchable") communities face ostracism, harassment, and violence when they strive to pursue higher education. For them, questioning the caste system is not just a matter of breaking tradition - it’s a fight for dignity, opportunity, and equality.

Inter-caste marriage is another powerful example. Couples who choose to marry across caste lines often face severe consequences, from disownment by their families to violent retribution from their communities. Honor killings, while officially condemned, remain a tragic reality in some areas. These acts of love become acts of defiance, challenging a system that dictates who is worthy of respect and belonging.

The stories of activists like Dr. B.R. Ambedkar, a Dalit who rose to become one of India’s foremost political leaders and the architect of its constitution, illustrate the transformative power of questioning the caste system. Ambedkar’s advocacy for equality and his rejection of Hindu orthodoxy inspired generations to confront the social norms that perpetuate inequality. His call for individuals to "educate, agitate, and organize" resonates as a universal message for anyone resisting systems of control.

This resistance, however, often comes at a cost. Questioning caste hierarchies can lead to alienation from one’s family, community, and support systems. It is an isolating experience, yet also one that carries the potential to break cycles of oppression and pave the way for a more just society.

For readers in other parts of the world, the caste system may seem distant and unfamiliar. But the dynamics it represents - where worth is measured by adherence to imposed hierarchies - are universal. Whether it’s the caste system in India, racial segregation in the U.S., or gender-based inequality globally, the struggle to challenge systems of conditional acceptance is a fight for the basic human right to be seen and valued as an individual.

Questioning the caste system in India reminds us that progress often begins with discomfort. It asks us to confront deeply held beliefs, challenge traditions, and create new pathways to inclusion and equality. For anyone navigating rejection or exclusion in their own lives, it is a powerful example of how courage and perseverance can lead to transformative change.

Special Skills: Managing Avoidance

Avoidance can be one of the most frustrating responses you encounter when asking hard questions. You muster the courage to speak your truth, to open a door to meaningful conversation, and instead of walking through it, the other person sidesteps entirely.

It might sound like:

• “It’s not my place to judge you.”
• “We're all sinners.”
• “No one is perfect.”

On the surface, these responses can feel neutral - or even kind. But underneath, they often serve a different purpose: avoiding the real issue. Avoidance leaves you in limbo, with no clarity about where the other person truly stands and no path forward to address the relationship dynamics that are causing you pain.

Why Do People Avoid These Questions?

Avoidance often comes from discomfort. When someone dodges a question, it’s usually because:

They’re Afraid of Conflict: They may worry that engaging directly will lead to an argument, tension, or hurt feelings - either yours or theirs.

They Feel Trapped: If they give a clear answer, they may feel it will expose them to criticism or make them confront their own inconsistencies or biases.

They Don’t Want to Take Responsibility: Avoidance allows them to maintain the illusion of being “loving” without examining the harm caused by their inaction or silence.

They’re Protecting Their Beliefs: Engaging directly might challenge their worldview in ways they’re not ready to handle, so they deflect to avoid reckoning with those ideas.

What Avoidance Feels Like for You

When someone avoids your question, it can feel like you’re being left in the dark. Their words might sound neutral, but their actions - or lack of action - send a clear message: I’m not willing to go here with you.

This can leave you feeling:

Unseen: They’ve dodged the deeper meaning behind your question, leaving you without acknowledgment of your truth.

Invalidated: Their refusal to engage can feel like a denial of your worth or the importance of your question.

Powerless: Without a clear answer, it’s hard to know how to move forward in the relationship.

What Can You Do When They Avoid?

While you can’t force someone to engage, you can take steps to protect your own clarity and well-being when avoidance happens:

Name the Avoidance (Gently): Sometimes, people don’t realize they’re avoiding the question. You can try pointing it out without escalating tension.

• “I feel like you’re not really answering my question. Can we try again?”
• “I understand you don’t want to judge, but I’m asking because I need clarity about where we stand.”

Reframe the Question: If the direct approach leads to deflection, try asking the question in a way that focuses on their actions rather than their beliefs.

• “If it’s not your place to judge, does that mean you would support me and my partner publicly?”
• “If you love me no matter what, how does that love show up in how we relate to each other?”

Focus on Their Actions, Not Their Words: If they avoid giving you a clear answer, look at what they do.

• Do they acknowledge your partner?
• Do they celebrate your milestones and achievements?
• Do they create a space where you feel affirmed?

Their actions can tell you more about their stance than any deflective words: Remember: the Behavior, Action, Consequence framework can be used to help you understand your feelings even without direct answers to your questions.

Ask Yourself What You Need: Avoidance often leaves you feeling stuck because it puts the ball back in your court. Instead of waiting for clarity from them, ask yourself: What do I need to feel supported and affirmed? If their avoidance isn’t meeting those needs, you might need to create boundaries or adjust your expectations.

How to Protect Your Energy

Dealing with avoidance can feel like hitting a wall over and over again. Here’s how to protect yourself:

Don’t Chase Clarity They Won’t Give: If they consistently avoid engaging, recognize that their unwillingness is an answer in itself.

Set Boundaries Around Non-Answers: Let them know that vague responses don’t help the relationship move forward:
“I appreciate that you say you love me, but love without clarity feels incomplete. I need more from this relationship to feel close to you.”

Focus on Your Own Growth: You don’t need their permission to live authentically. Even if they avoid the conversation, you can still move forward in your own truth.

Final Thoughts

Avoidance can feel like a dead end, but it’s not the end of your journey. While it’s frustrating not to get clear answers, their deflection doesn’t define your worth or the validity of your questions. You deserve relationships built on honesty, clarity, and mutual respect - and if avoidance stands in the way of that, it’s okay to prioritize your own clarity and growth over their discomfort. Sometimes, their silence is an answer, and recognizing that can be its own form of freedom.