Chapter 4: Setting Boundaries
“Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves, even when we risk disappointing others.” – Brené Brown
The Fear of Boundaries
Setting boundaries can feel terrifying. For those of us raised in environments where obedience was praised and questioning authority was seen as disrespectful, the very idea of boundaries can feel wrong. Maybe you’ve been taught that love means self-sacrifice, that being a "good" child means always being available, or that family relationships are sacred and untouchable.
So when you start to think about setting boundaries - saying “no,” asking for space, or defining limits - you might feel guilty, scared, or even selfish. But here’s the truth: boundaries aren’t about pushing people away. They’re about protecting your own sense of self, so that love and connection can flourish in ways that are healthy and mutual.
What Boundaries Really Are
Boundaries are limits you set to define what is acceptable and unacceptable in your relationships. They’re not about punishing others - they’re about honoring yourself. A boundary says:
- “This is what I need to feel safe, respected, and valued.”
- “This is what I cannot allow if I want to stay true to myself.”
Boundaries are not walls. They don’t have to shut people out entirely. Instead, they create clear, intentional pathways for healthier interactions.
Why Boundaries Are Hard to Set
If setting boundaries feels unnatural or even impossible, there’s a reason for that. In environments where obedience, sacrifice, or selflessness are glorified, boundaries are often framed as:
Selfish: You’re taught that putting your needs first means you’re neglecting or hurting others.
Disrespectful: Saying “no” to a parent or authority figure feels like breaking an unspoken rule about family loyalty.
Unnecessary: You’re told, “We’re family; we shouldn’t need boundaries.”
These messages make it easy to believe that setting boundaries will destroy your relationships. But the opposite is often true: boundaries protect relationships by creating clarity and reducing resentment.
A Conversational Example
Let’s look at a moment where someone begins to set a boundary in a conversation with a parent:
Parent: "You know I only want what’s best for you. That’s why I can’t support your choices. It’s because I love you."
You: "I understand that you think you’re acting out of love, but it doesn’t feel like love to me when you refuse to support who I am."
Parent: "You’re being unfair. I’ve always supported you - look at everything I’ve done for you!"
You: "I’m not saying you don’t care about me. I’m saying that, for me to feel loved, I need to know that you can accept me as I am. If you can’t do that, I need to set some limits on these conversations because they’re hurting me."
Breaking Down the Dynamic
In this exchange, the child clearly communicates their emotional need (“For me to feel loved, I need to know you accept me”) and the consequence of not meeting that need (“I need to set some limits”). The boundary is not framed as punishment or rejection but as an act of self-protection.
Notice how the parent reacts with defensiveness, a common response when boundaries challenge their sense of control. While the child can’t control the parent’s reaction, they can control how they maintain the boundary moving forward.
How to Start Setting Boundaries
If you’re new to setting boundaries, it can feel overwhelming. Start small and follow these steps:
Identify What You Need: Ask yourself: What is making me feel unsafe, disrespected, or hurt in this relationship? What would make me feel better?
"I need conversations with my mom to feel supportive, not critical."
Define Your Boundary: Boundaries are most effective when they’re clear and actionable. Avoid vague language like, “I just need you to be nicer.” Instead, be specific.
“I need us to avoid conversations about my relationship if you can’t be supportive.”
Communicate Directly: Use “I” statements to focus on your feelings and needs, rather than blaming the other person.
“I feel hurt when you criticize my choices. I need you to respect them, even if you don’t agree.”
Hold the Boundary: Boundaries are only effective if you enforce them consistently. This might mean stepping away from a conversation, limiting your contact, or reminding the person of the boundary.
“We’ve talked about this before. I’m going to leave the conversation if it continues.”
What to Expect When You Set Boundaries
People who are unused to boundaries often react poorly at first. You might encounter:
Defensiveness: "Why are you being so sensitive?"
Guilt-Tripping: "After everything I’ve done for you, this is how you treat me?"
Pushback: "You don’t need boundaries - we’re family!"
These reactions aren’t a reflection of your worth or your boundary - they’re a reflection of their discomfort with change. Setting boundaries disrupts the status quo, and that can feel threatening to someone who’s used to being in control.
What to Do When Boundaries Are Tested
Stay Firm, But Kind: You can maintain your boundary without escalating conflict. “I understand this is hard for you, but I need to stick to what we discussed.”
Recognize Pushback as a Sign of Change: Resistance often means your boundary is working - it’s challenging old patterns that no longer serve you.
Adjust If Necessary: Boundaries aren’t set in stone. If something isn’t working, reflect on why and adjust it to better fit your needs.
How Boundaries Build Connection
At first, setting boundaries can feel like a wedge in the relationship, but over time, they often lead to greater respect and understanding. By defining what you need to feel safe and valued, you create opportunities for the other person to meet you halfway.
Even if they resist at first, boundaries create a structure where real connection can happen - connection that’s built on mutual respect, not silent resentment. And most importantly, they protect your ability to live authentically, even when others struggle to understand or accept your truth.
In the next chapter, we’ll explore how to find strength in yourself and your community when boundaries aren’t enough and acceptance feels out of reach.
Special Skills: Self-Sacrificial Love
Self-sacrificial love, often called agape love, is frequently seen as the highest form of love - unconditional, selfless, and focused entirely on the well-being of others. It’s the love that gives without expecting anything in return, that endures hardship for the sake of another’s benefit.
It’s a beautiful ideal. But when misunderstood or applied without balance, it can lead to burnout, resentment, and the belief that your own needs are less important than those of others.
“You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep others warm.” – Unknown
The Misinterpretation of Agape Love
Many of us are taught that self-sacrificial love means giving endlessly, even when it hurts, even when it depletes us. In this view, love becomes synonymous with martyrdom. But this isn’t true agape love - it’s a distortion of it.
True agape love doesn’t ask you to erase yourself for the sake of others. It doesn’t demand that you endure harm or disrespect in the name of love. At its core, agape love is about connection and care, not self-destruction.
Why Boundaries Aren’t Selfish
Boundaries and self-sacrificial love aren’t opposites - they’re partners. In fact, boundaries are an essential part of loving well. Here’s why:
Boundaries Protect Your Ability to Love: When you give without limits, you risk depleting yourself to the point where you have nothing left to give. Boundaries ensure that your love comes from a place of strength and abundance, not exhaustion.
Boundaries Foster Mutual Respect: Love isn’t about letting others take from you endlessly - it’s about creating a relationship where both people feel valued and respected. Boundaries teach others how to honor your needs, which strengthens the connection.
Boundaries Prevent Resentment: Giving without boundaries often leads to resentment, which can erode the very love you’re trying to nurture. Boundaries help you give freely, without feeling taken advantage of.
Reframing Self-Sacrificial Love
Instead of seeing self-sacrificial love as the absence of boundaries, try reframing it as the presence of intentional care. True agape love is about choosing to give in ways that are meaningful, not obligatory. It’s about balancing your needs with the needs of others, so your love remains sustainable and joyful.
Ask Yourself:
- “Is this act of love coming from a place of abundance or obligation?”
- “Am I giving in a way that honors both my needs and theirs?”
A Practical Example
Let’s say your parent repeatedly dismisses your boundaries, yet you feel called to show them love. How can you balance agape love with self-protection?
With Boundaries: “I love you, and I want to have a good relationship with you. But I can only do that if we respect each other’s boundaries. I need us to focus on topics that bring us closer, not push us apart.”
This approach allows you to show love while protecting your emotional health. You’re not closing the door on the relationship - you’re guiding it toward a healthier, more balanced dynamic.
When Self-Sacrifice Becomes Harmful
It’s important to recognize when self-sacrificial love is no longer love at all, but a pattern of harm:
When It Neglects Your Well-Being: If your self-sacrifice consistently leaves you feeling depleted, anxious, or unsafe, it’s no longer an act of love - it’s a loss of self.
When It Enables Harm: Sacrificing yourself to enable someone else’s harmful behavior doesn’t serve them or you. Love sometimes means holding others accountable, even when it’s hard.
When It Becomes One-Sided: Love is mutual. If your sacrifice is never reciprocated with care, respect, or effort, it’s a sign the relationship may need reevaluation.
Balancing Love and Boundaries
You can strive for agape love without sacrificing yourself entirely. Here are some principles to guide you:
Give from Overflow: Love others from a place of fullness, not depletion.
Remember Your Worth: Your needs and well-being are just as important as those of others.
Choose Intentional Sacrifices: Not all sacrifices are harmful. The key is to make them intentionally, with care and balance.
Final Thoughts
Self-sacrificial love doesn’t mean erasing yourself - it means loving deeply and intentionally, while honoring your own worth. Boundaries are not barriers to love; they’re the framework that makes love sustainable, respectful, and true.
True agape love includes you. By balancing care for others with care for yourself, you create a love that endures - one that’s as life-giving to you as it is to those you cherish.
Special Skills: When Parents Violate Your Boundaries
Setting boundaries with parents can be especially difficult because of the power dynamics at play. Many parents - particularly those who value authority and control - might see boundaries as a challenge to their role, rather than what they really are: a healthy way to build respect and connection. When a parent repeatedly violates your boundaries, it can leave you feeling helpless, frustrated, or even guilty for wanting autonomy.
What Boundary Violations Look Like
Parents who disrespect boundaries often frame their actions as love, care, or simply “doing what’s best.” Here are some common examples of how this might play out:
Ignoring Requests: “I asked my mom not to do my laundry, but she keeps doing it anyway and says, ‘I’m just trying to help.’”
Dismissing Boundaries as Unnecessary: “Why do you care if I look through your phone? I’m your parent - it’s not a big deal.”
Guilt-Tripping: “After everything I do for you, you can’t even let me help? You’re being so ungrateful.”
Undermining Authority Through Infantilization: “You don’t know what you’re doing. You’ll thank me later for taking over.”
Why Do Parents Violate Boundaries?
For some parents, boundaries feel like rejection. They’ve been in control of your life for so long that your request for independence can feel like you’re saying they’re no longer needed. This is especially true in families where authority is deeply tied to love and respect.
Other parents violate boundaries because:
They Struggle to Let Go of Control: Allowing you to make decisions - especially ones they disagree with - means giving up the sense of power they’ve been conditioned to feel as parents.
They Believe They Know Best: Your boundaries might challenge their belief that they’re always right or that they know what’s best for you, regardless of your input.
They Don’t See You as Autonomous: Some parents struggle to see their children as individuals, rather than extensions of themselves.
They Misinterpret Boundaries as Disrespect: A parent raised in a culture of obedience might view boundaries as insubordination or rebellion rather than an act of self-respect.
How to Handle Repeated Boundary Violations
Restate the Boundary Clearly: Remind them of your boundary and why it matters to you. Use calm, direct language to avoid escalating the situation.
“I appreciate that you’re trying to help, but I’ve asked you not to do my laundry. It’s important to me to handle this on my own.”
Call Out the Violation Without Blame: Focus on their action, not their intent.
“When you go through my phone after I asked you not to, it feels like you don’t trust me.”
Set Consequences and Follow Through: If they continue to disrespect your boundary, it’s okay to enforce consequences.
“If you keep going through my things, I’ll start locking my door.”
Remember: Consequences aren’t about punishment - they’re about protecting your autonomy.
Challenge Guilt-Tripping or Infantilization: If they use guilt or dismissal to undermine your boundary, reframe the conversation:
- “This isn’t about being ungrateful - it’s about me learning to take care of myself.”
- “I know you want to help, but I need you to respect that I’m capable of doing this on my own.”
When Boundaries Aren’t Respected
If a parent refuses to respect your boundaries despite repeated conversations, you may need to take further steps to protect yourself:
Limit What You Share: If they disregard your privacy, consider keeping certain aspects of your life to yourself.
Engage Less in Specific Areas: If a parent consistently violates boundaries in one domain (e.g., personal chores), you might choose to disengage from conversations about that topic.
Lean on Other Supports: Build a network of friends, mentors, or therapists who can affirm your boundaries and provide validation when your parent cannot.
A Note on Emotional Abuse
Repeated boundary violations can sometimes cross into emotional abuse, especially when they are used to control or manipulate you. If you find yourself in a situation where your autonomy is constantly undermined, or your parent uses guilt, fear, or punishment to silence you, it’s important to recognize that this isn’t your fault - and it’s okay to seek outside help from someone who affirms you.
Final Thoughts
Boundaries are not just for you - they’re also an opportunity for your parent to grow. While you can’t force them to change, maintaining your boundaries teaches them that love and respect go hand in hand. And even if they struggle to understand that now, setting boundaries is never a mistake - it’s an investment in your future self.
