Chapter 5: Finding Strength in Your Identity
“Live your truth. Express your love. Share your enthusiasm. Take action towards your dreams. Walk your talk. Dance and sing to your music. Embrace your blessings. Make today worth remembering.” – Steve Maraboli
The Weight of Being Different
For many of us, realizing that we’re different can feel like both a revelation and a burden. Whether it’s your sexuality, your gender identity, or simply the way you see the world, stepping into your truth often means stepping into a storm of expectations, judgments, and fears - not just from others, but from yourself.
If you’ve grown up in a world that told you exactly who you’re supposed to be, then anything outside of that framework can feel impossible to embrace. You might feel ashamed, confused, or even angry at yourself for not fitting the mold. And if the people around you - the ones who raised you, who shaped your beliefs - reinforce that sense of otherness, it can feel like you’re carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders.
But here’s the thing: being different isn’t a weakness. It’s a strength. And learning to embrace your identity, even in the face of rejection or misunderstanding, is one of the most powerful acts of self-love you can take.
Why Identity Feels So Heavy
Our identities are deeply personal, but they don’t exist in a vacuum. They’re shaped by the people and systems around us, which often define "acceptable" and "unacceptable" ways to be. If you’ve been taught that your identity is unacceptable, it’s no wonder you feel conflicted about it.
Here are some common reasons why embracing your identity might feel so difficult:
You’ve Been Taught to Seek Approval: Many of us are conditioned to seek validation from others, especially our parents. When our identity doesn’t align with their expectations, it feels like we’re failing them - or worse, failing ourselves.
You Fear Losing Connection: Identity challenges the status quo, and when the people closest to you see your truth as a threat, it can lead to tension or even distance in the relationship.
You’ve Internalized Negative Beliefs: Growing up in a world that stigmatizes your identity can leave you believing those messages, even if you know logically that they’re wrong.
You’re Carrying Generational Expectations: For many families, your identity isn’t just about you - it’s about the legacy of beliefs, traditions, and values you’re "supposed" to carry forward.
A Conversational Example
Let’s look at a moment where someone begins to confront their identity with a parent who struggles to understand:
Parent: "I just don’t understand why you feel the need to label yourself like this. Can’t you just live your life without making it about your identity?"
You: "I understand that you might not see the importance, but for me, it’s about being honest with myself and others. My identity isn’t a label - it’s who I am."
Parent: "But why does it have to be such a big deal? We never made a big deal about these things when I was growing up."
You: "I get that it wasn’t part of your world, but it’s part of mine. Being honest about my identity helps me feel free, even if it’s hard for others to understand."
Breaking Down the Dynamic
In this conversation, the parent dismisses the child’s identity as unnecessary or overly focused on “labels,” reflecting a common attempt to minimize what they don’t understand. The child, rather than arguing or shutting down, reframes the conversation: they explain how their identity helps them feel authentic, making the focus about their personal growth rather than seeking approval.
Notice how the child doesn’t try to change the parent’s mind - they focus on their own truth. This is key to finding strength in your identity: understanding that you don’t need others to agree with you to live authentically.
Steps to Embracing Your Identity
Acknowledge Your Truth: Before you can fully embrace your identity, you need to name it for yourself. This might take time, and that’s okay. Journaling, therapy, or simply sitting with your thoughts can help you uncover the parts of yourself that you’ve been afraid to acknowledge.
Separate Your Identity from Others’ Expectations: Remember: your identity is yours alone. It doesn’t have to fit neatly into someone else’s framework, and it doesn’t need to earn their approval to be valid.
Find Affirmation Outside Your Family: If your family struggles to accept your identity, seek out communities, friendships, or resources that celebrate who you are. This might include LGBTQ+ groups, supportive mentors, or online spaces where you can connect with others who share your experiences.
Reframe Negative Beliefs: Challenge the messages you’ve internalized about your identity. Ask yourself: Are these beliefs actually true, or are they something I’ve been taught to believe? Replace shame with pride, and fear with curiosity.
When Your Identity Feels Like a Battle
Sometimes, it can feel like being yourself means constantly defending your truth. This can be exhausting, especially when those closest to you seem unwilling or unable to meet you where you are. If you find yourself in this place, here are some strategies to help:
Know When to Engage: Not every conversation has to be a battle. Save your energy for moments when you feel ready and when the relationship feels worth the effort.
Celebrate the Parts of Your Identity You Love: Focus on what brings you joy about your identity. Whether it’s a supportive friend, a piece of art that resonates with you, or a moment of self-expression, hold onto the things that remind you of the beauty in being yourself.
Recognize Progress, Even if It’s Small: Acceptance doesn’t always happen overnight. Celebrate small steps - whether it’s a parent using the right pronouns for the first time or a friend showing up for you in an unexpected way.
Finding Strength in Community
No one should have to embrace their identity alone. If your family or community can’t fully support you, seek out spaces where you feel safe and seen. These might include:
- Trusted friends who value you for who you are
- Support groups (in-person or online)
- LGBTQ+ organizations and events
- Affirming therapists or counselors
Moving Forward
Embracing your identity is a journey, not a destination. Some days, you’ll feel proud and confident; other days, you might feel weighed down by doubt or fear. That’s okay. What matters is that you keep moving forward - step by step, truth by truth.
In the next chapter, we’ll explore what it means to find joy and meaning outside of the structures you were raised in, building a life that feels authentic to you.
A Different Lens: The Māori Language Revival in New Zealand
For much of the 20th century, New Zealand’s Māori population faced systemic efforts to suppress their language and cultural identity. Children were often punished for speaking Māori in schools, and government policies prioritized assimilation into English-speaking society. By the mid-century, the number of fluent Māori speakers had dwindled, leaving many young Māori disconnected from their heritage.
In the 1980s, a cultural revival began. Activists and elders recognized that reclaiming the Māori language, te reo Māori, was essential to preserving their identity. The introduction of kōhanga reo (language nests) - preschool programs conducted entirely in Māori - marked the beginning of a grassroots movement to reconnect children with their cultural roots. These efforts expanded into primary and secondary schools, media programming, and national policies promoting te reo as one of New Zealand’s official languages.
For the Māori people, the revival of their language became a way to reclaim not only their identity but also their collective strength. It was an act of resilience in the face of generations of systemic erasure. Today, te reo Māori is celebrated as a core part of New Zealand’s national identity, and the movement serves as a testament to the power of reconnecting with one’s roots to build a stronger sense of self and community.
