We Need to Talk

A Guide for Christian Parents of LGBTQ+ Children

Last Updated: April 13, 2025

Introduction

Look, let's get something out of the way upfront: this isn't about asking you to change your beliefs or moral code. I mean that sincerely. If you believe your faith calls LGBTQ+ people to remain chaste, that's not incompatible with anything you'll read here. No major denomination's interpretation of scripture conflicts with what this pamphlet has to say.

Instead, this guide is about words - and how easily our language gets in the way of truly understanding each other. Maybe right now you feel worried, confused, or even fearful about what your child being gay, lesbian, or bisexual means. Maybe your child has said things that deeply upset or worry you, or maybe you've said things that unintentionally hurt them, even though that wasn't your intention.

Here's why conversations about sexuality and identity between Christian parents and their LGBTQ+ children often feel impossible:

When you hear words like gay, lesbian, bisexual, or sexuality, you might immediately think about actions - about things people do, about lifestyles or behaviors. But here's the critical insight: when your child says these same words, they're not describing actions or lifestyles at all. They're describing something internal - feelings, attractions, emotions, and identity. In a Christian context, think of it as the difference between experiencing temptation and committing a sin. Temptation itself isn't sinful - it's human.

But when your child hears statements like, "Love the sinner, hate the sin," or "Homosexuality is a sin," they don't feel you're rejecting actions or choices - they feel you're rejecting who they fundamentally are. They feel your love and acceptance are conditional. They haven't actually done anything at all - so what is the sin exactly? Who they fundamentally are? And that is why conversations end in silence, tears, or arguments instead of understanding.

I know you're likely feeling afraid - afraid for your child’s future, afraid of what this means for their faith, and even afraid of being misunderstood yourself. Those fears are real, understandable, and valid. But here's the good news: understanding and genuinely loving your child does not require compromising your values. It does, however, require clarifying some language and genuinely listening to each other.

This short guide is meant to help you clearly see the differences between what you might hear and what your child might mean. It will clarify confusing terms, illustrate key misunderstandings, and give you practical suggestions for authentic and compassionate conversations with your LGBTQ+ child.

Because in the end, no matter your beliefs, you and your child both want something profoundly important: to love and to be loved, clearly and unconditionally.

So, if you're ready, let's talk.

Why Conversations Keep Breaking Down

Have you ever felt like you and your child are speaking completely different languages - even though you're both using English? If so, you're not alone. Conversations between Christian parents and their LGBTQ+ children often break down because each side hears very different meanings behind the same words.

Consider this simple example:

• When a Christian parent hears the word "gay," they often immediately think of certain behaviors or lifestyles - specifically, sexual acts. To them, "gay" or "lesbian" describes what someone does.

• When an LGBTQ+ child says, "I'm gay," they're usually talking about something else entirely - something internal and fundamental: their feelings, attractions, and emotional identity. It might not involve any action at all, especially for younger children or teens.

This creates an invisible but powerful misunderstanding:

• The parent might think: "My child is telling me they’re engaging in or planning to engage in behaviors that I believe are sinful."

• The child thinks: "I'm simply telling my parents who I am and how I feel. Why can't they accept me?"

Suddenly, both sides are hurt, confused, and feeling rejected - even though neither intended harm. When language becomes unclear, good intentions get lost.

Here’s another critical example - "sexuality." To many Christians, "sexuality" means "sexual actions." But to LGBTQ+ children - and most professional counselors, psychologists, and doctors - sexuality means far more. It includes attractions, emotional connections, identity, and romantic feelings - none of which necessarily involve sexual acts.

Remember your first crush? The butterflies in your stomach, your heart racing, your awkwardness, and excitement? Were you thinking explicitly about sex at that moment? Probably not. Yet, that experience is precisely part of what the word "sexuality" includes. It’s about connection and identity - not merely actions.

Why does this matter?
Because when we misunderstand these words, we misunderstand each other. It leads to painful conversations, broken trust, and fractured relationships.

But understanding these language differences clearly can begin to heal those fractures. In the next section, we'll unpack these key terms in more detail and clarify exactly what your child might be trying to tell you - so you can begin to hear and love each other more clearly.

Why Identity Is So Important

When your child tells you, "I'm gay" or "I'm bisexual," it can feel scary or confusing. You might wonder, "Why are they identifying with something I consider sinful?" or "Isn't this just giving them an excuse to embrace sin?"

These concerns are understandable. But let's pause and clarify something essential about what "identity" means and why it matters deeply to your child.

First, identity isn't about actions.
When your child uses terms like gay or bisexual, they're not describing a behavior or choice - they're describing something they experience internally. It's their way of naming a fundamental aspect of who they are and how they experience the world. This internal experience - these emotions and attractions - are not chosen. It's simply a part of who they are, much like personality traits or talents.

Think of it this way: A teenager who feels naturally shy isn't choosing to feel shy. They aren't saying, "I am shy," to justify never speaking up. They're naming a real and consistent experience so they can understand it better and deal with it responsibly.

Second, acknowledging identity leads to emotional health and authenticity.
For your child, saying "I'm gay" or "I'm bisexual" is a courageous act of honesty. It's their way of saying, "This is my real experience. This is who I am inside." When they hide or deny this truth, the emotional burden is immense. Anxiety, depression, loneliness, and even self-harm can become real risks.

By openly naming their identity, they relieve some of this emotional burden and open the door for honest, authentic conversations about beliefs, values, and behaviors. Identifying who they are doesn't encourage sin; it encourages self-awareness, honesty, and integrity - qualities that align with your desire for them to live moral, authentic lives.

Third, identifying their attractions helps them manage life responsibly.
Imagine another scenario: if someone identifies themselves as prone to addictive behaviors, it doesn't mean they're looking for an excuse to misuse substances - it means they recognize something important about themselves. This recognition empowers them to act responsibly and wisely.

Your child’s self-identification works similarly. They're saying, "These are my attractions and emotions, and now I can deal with them clearly and honestly." It doesn't mean they're choosing or pursuing actions you consider sinful. Instead, they're being self-aware, mature, and responsible about managing their feelings and choices in life.

In short, identity matters deeply. It's about authenticity, honesty, and emotional health. Your child isn’t embracing sin - they're embracing truth. And truth, even when uncomfortable, is the foundation of genuine relationship and growth.

"Lifestyle": What It Actually Means, and How It's Misunderstood

One word that often leads to unintended misunderstandings is "lifestyle." Let’s take a moment to clarify why this happens.

What "Lifestyle" Usually Means:

In everyday language, a "lifestyle" refers to choices about how someone lives their daily life - the kind of clothing they wear, what hobbies they enjoy, their favorite music, how they decorate their home, or what kind of car they drive. For example, someone might have an "active lifestyle" (exercising regularly, enjoying outdoor activities) or a "minimalist lifestyle" (living simply, owning few possessions).

How Many Christian Parents Use the Word "Lifestyle":

However, in many Christian communities, the phrase "gay lifestyle" or "homosexual lifestyle" has become shorthand specifically to describe behaviors or sexual activity. When a parent says they're concerned about their child adopting a "gay lifestyle," they're typically referring to behaviors they believe conflict with their moral or religious beliefs.

What Your Child Hears When You Say "Lifestyle":

But here's the crucial misunderstanding:
To your LGBTQ+ child, "lifestyle" still means everyday preferences - like style, interests, hobbies, or fashion - not moral or sexual choices. When they hear their identity described as a "lifestyle," it sounds to them like you're equating their very identity and feelings with superficial or chosen things like their fashion choices, slang terms they use, or the kind of music they prefer. It feels dismissive, confusing, and even unintentionally hurtful - as if their deep personal identity were something trivial, superficial, or easily changed.

Imagine if your natural attraction to the opposite gender was called a "straight lifestyle," as if it were just a preference similar to your favorite clothing style or your favorite food. You'd probably feel misunderstood and confused - your feelings aren't a casual choice; they're part of who you are.

Why This Matters:

Words matter deeply. When language leads to misunderstandings, conversations break down. You’re not "wrong" for using the word "lifestyle" as you have - it’s common in many communities. But understanding how your child hears it can help you have clearer, more productive conversations.

A More Helpful Approach:

When talking to your child, try to avoid the word "lifestyle" unless you specifically mean everyday life choices. If you're specifically concerned about certain moral decisions or behaviors, speak directly and clearly:

• Instead of, "I'm worried about your gay lifestyle," say something clearer like, "I'm concerned about decisions around sexual activity and relationships."

• Or simply ask questions, like "Can you help me understand what this means to you?"

This clarity creates better understanding, deeper trust, and more open, honest communication.

Common Questions You Might Have

After thinking about why identity matters, you probably still have some natural, lingering questions. Let's address some of the most common:

1. "Isn't this just a phase or attention-seeking behavior?"

This is a common and understandable thought. You might worry that your child is just following a trend or seeking attention. But studies, countless personal experiences, and expert psychologists consistently find that sexual orientation isn't something temporary or superficial. It's stable, consistent, and deeply tied to how someone experiences their emotional and social life.

Even if your child is young or uncertain, it doesn't mean their experience isn't real or meaningful. Listening openly and validating their experience creates safety and trust - even if you're unsure where exactly the road will lead.

2. "Does my child identifying as gay mean they're rejecting my faith or beliefs?"

Not necessarily. When your child says they're gay or bisexual, they're describing their internal experience, their emotions, and their attractions. They’re not automatically declaring a rejection of your beliefs, faith, or values.

Your child may feel deeply conflicted themselves - especially if they've been raised within a strong faith tradition. They may very much share many of your core values about love, faithfulness, honesty, and integrity. Expressing their sexual orientation is a way to be truthful about their emotional experience, not necessarily a statement of theological or moral rebellion.

3. "Does this mean my child is engaging in - or plans to engage in - behaviors I disapprove of?"

Simply put: No, not necessarily. Identifying an orientation doesn't automatically imply action or behavior. Orientation is about attractions, emotional connections, and identity, not necessarily behaviors or lifestyle choices.

Your child’s decision to share their orientation is about honesty. They're inviting you into their internal reality, seeking understanding and support, not necessarily announcing plans for certain behaviors. In fact, your openness to understanding them better increases the chances they'll engage honestly with you about difficult decisions, beliefs, and values.

4. "Am I responsible for my child's sexual orientation?"

No - you're not. Sexual orientation is not caused by parenting style, family dynamics, or childhood experiences. Decades of research have clearly shown that sexual orientation is a natural part of human variation, influenced primarily by biological factors rather than environmental ones.

You didn't cause this, and neither did your child. It's simply a part of who they are, just as your own orientation is a natural and involuntary part of your experience.

5. "Is it harmful or dangerous to encourage or affirm my child's LGBTQ+ identity?"

No. In fact, quite the opposite. Studies overwhelmingly show that LGBTQ+ youth whose identities are affirmed and accepted experience dramatically improved emotional, social, and psychological outcomes. Affirmation doesn't mean endorsing specific behaviors you might disagree with morally. It means simply recognizing their emotional truth and identity as real and important.

By affirming your child’s reality, you're creating a foundation of trust, openness, and honesty. And that's the best possible environment for navigating complex discussions about beliefs, values, and decisions.

Practical Tips for Better Conversations

You've made it this far because you genuinely want a healthier, clearer relationship with your child. These conversations aren't easy, but they’re critical. Here are practical tips to help you talk about identity, attraction, and values with honesty, compassion, and openness:

1. Listen to Understand, Not Just Respond

It's tempting, especially if you're worried or upset, to immediately jump in with your own reactions or advice. But before speaking, just listen. Try not to interrupt or correct - just give your child space to explain how they feel.

Example: "Thank you for telling me. I’m listening, and I really want to understand how you're feeling."

2. Ask Gentle, Open-ended Questions

Instead of asking loaded or accusatory questions ("Why are you doing this to us?"), ask open, gentle questions that invite honesty and vulnerability.

Example: "can you help me understand what it’s like for you to feel this way?"
"When did you first realize this about yourself?"

3. Clarify Terms to Avoid Misunderstandings

Words like "gay," "bisexual," or "sexuality" might feel confusing or threatening to you. Rather than assuming, gently ask your child to explain exactly what they mean.

**Example: "**When you say 'gay,' can you explain a bit more about what that means for you personally?"
"Just to make sure I understand correctly, does this mean you’re telling me about how you feel, rather than things you're doing?"

4. Avoid Quick Fixes or Advice

As a parent, your instinct might be to immediately suggest ways to change, "fix," or solve your child's emotions or identity. Resist that instinct. Right now, your child needs validation and understanding, not solutions or fixes.

Example: "Instead of "Have you tried praying more?", try "That sounds difficult, and I'm here to support you while you figure things out."

5. Be Honest About Your Own Feelings, Gently

It's okay for you to feel confused, worried, or scared. Your feelings are valid, too. Share them honestly but gently, without blaming your child for causing them.

Example: "This is really new and hard for me, and I don't understand everything yet - but I want you to know I still love you, and I'm trying my best to learn."

6. Affirm Your Child’s Worth and Identity

Even if you're still struggling internally, you can affirm your child’s inherent worth, value, and your unconditional love. This provides essential emotional reassurance.

Example: "Even though this is hard for me right now, nothing changes how much I love you or how proud I am of who you are."

7. Seek Support from Trusted, Affirming Resources

This is difficult territory for any parent. Don’t navigate it alone. Seek out supportive resources, groups, or counselors who understand both your faith and your desire for a strong relationship with your child.

Example: Consider affirming pastors, counselors, or parent support groups specifically dedicated to Christian families navigating these conversations.

Same-Sex Attraction: Biblical and Theological Perspectives

When discussing same-sex attraction, one of the most challenging questions Christian parents often face is: "What does the Bible really say about homosexuality? Are attractions sinful, or only actions?" Clarifying this theological distinction carefully is crucial—not only for accurate biblical understanding, but also for maintaining compassionate and effective conversations within families.

The Bible: Attraction vs. Action

First, let's be clear: the Bible explicitly addresses certain sexual behaviors, including some forms of same-sex activity. However, it never explicitly condemns the mere experience of attraction. Biblical condemnations are consistently focused on specific behaviors or deliberate indulgences (lustful fantasies or actions).

Attraction vs. Lust: A Critical Biblical Distinction

• Attraction itself is involuntary and morally neutral. Consider the experience of your first crush—your heart racing, palms sweaty, the excitement and anxiety of liking someone. That moment reveals your orientation, but it is not lustful or inherently sinful.

• Lust is explicitly condemned by Scripture (Matthew 5:28). It involves actively dwelling on sexual thoughts or intentions. Importantly, simply feeling attracted to someone—without intentionally cultivating lustful thoughts—is not sinful according to traditional Christian theology.

What the Bible Does (and Doesn't) Say Clearly:

The Bible passages commonly cited (Genesis 19, Leviticus 18:22 & 20:13, Romans 1:26–27, 1 Corinthians 6:9–10, and 1 Timothy 1:9–10) explicitly condemn particular behaviors associated with same-sex acts, especially those involving coercion, violence, ritual idolatry, or exploitation. However, these texts do not explicitly address the idea of sexual orientation itself—nor do they directly reference modern committed, loving, same-sex relationships between consenting adults.

Does the Bible Address Modern Loving Same-Sex Relationships?

One critical question often arising is whether biblical prohibitions specifically address the types of relationships we commonly see today—committed, consensual, loving same-sex partnerships. Addressing this clearly helps Christian families navigate complex conversations and theological understanding.

Ancient Context vs. Modern Relationships

The biblical texts referring to same-sex behaviors uniformly condemn specific historical practices. Such behaviors were commonly:

• Exploitative or coercive (such as adult men with adolescent boys, called pederasty)
• Ritualistic and idolatrous (pagan fertility rituals or temple prostitution)
• Violent or non-consensual (the attempted sexual assault depicted in Sodom)
• Excessively lust-driven (associated with pagan worship and orgiastic practices)

The biblical authors were addressing these known practices explicitly. Their ancient worldview did not include concepts such as sexual orientation or stable, lifelong, same-sex partnerships based on mutual love, commitment, and fidelity.

Traditional vs. Affirming Interpretations

• Traditional Christians believe biblical prohibitions establish a universal moral standard. They interpret these passages as categorically condemning all forms of same-sex sexual activity, regardless of context or commitment.

• Affirming Christians highlight the historical specificity of these biblical condemnations, suggesting the texts explicitly condemn only exploitative, violent, abusive, or idolatrous forms of same-sex activity. Thus, committed, modern relationships fall outside the specific scenarios the biblical authors addressed.

Cultural and Historical Context: Why Does it Matter?

Understanding the ancient cultural context matters significantly. Recognizing the historical limits helps prevent misunderstanding and ensures more responsible, accurate biblical interpretation. Ancient societies did not have the concept of sexual orientation or committed same-sex relationships as we understand them today. Biblical texts inevitably reflect the contexts known to their authors.

Therefore, interpretations hinge significantly on historical and cultural considerations:

• The Hebrew term "to‘evah" (often translated "abomination") reflects culturally specific, morally or ritually objectionable practices tied strongly to pagan idolatry or severe moral violations. Its precise scope regarding sexuality remains debated.
• Greek terms like malakoi and arsenokoitai (1 Corinthians 6:9–10, 1 Timothy 1:9–10) may specifically refer to exploitative, abusive, or transactional sexual behaviors rather than loving same-sex relationships. Linguistic analysis and historical usage support this nuanced interpretation.

Acknowledging this complexity and ambiguity does not compromise biblical fidelity; rather, it reflects intellectual and spiritual honesty about Scripture’s interpretive challenges.

Implications for Today's Conversations

For Christian parents engaging their LGBTQ+ children, clearly distinguishing ancient biblical contexts from modern relational forms is crucial. Understanding this context:

• Clarifies that when a child identifies as gay, lesbian, or bisexual, they are expressing their emotional and romantic orientation, not necessarily indicating any intent toward exploitative or idolatrous practices.
• Supports parents in affirming their child’s inherent dignity and worth, regardless of differing theological conclusions.
• Provides a stronger foundation for empathetic, clear, and constructive family conversations, even when moral disagreements remain.

Interpretive Conclusions: Finding Clarity and Compassion

• The Bible explicitly condemns certain same-sex behaviors known in ancient cultures, notably those involving exploitation, coercion, violence, and idolatry.
• It is significantly less clear—and actively debated—whether the Bible universally condemns all same-sex relationships, including modern committed partnerships based on mutual love, respect, and fidelity.
• Christians who uphold traditional perspectives emphasize scriptural continuity and natural law. Affirming Christians emphasize cultural specificity, linguistic nuance, and the absence of explicit scriptural consideration of committed same-sex relationships.

Regardless of individual conclusions, Christians are called to approach this issue with humility, careful scholarship, and compassionate pastoral care. Recognizing historical context does not require compromising personal beliefs; rather, it encourages clearer understanding, deeper empathy, and healthier communication.

In Summary:

The biblical texts clearly prohibit specific ancient forms of same-sex behaviors, typically exploitative, abusive, violent, or idolatrous. However, these texts do not explicitly address modern, committed same-sex relationships, as the concept of lifelong, covenantal same-sex unions was not culturally recognized at the time of writing.

Thus, faithful Christians today hold differing theological perspectives. Understanding the historical and linguistic context promotes accurate biblical interpretation, clearer family conversations, and a compassionate, Christ-like approach to navigating these complex issues.

Key Biblical Verses on Homosexuality: Understanding Both Perspectives

To genuinely understand the debate around LGBTQ+ relationships, it's helpful to clearly and honestly consider the key Bible passages traditionally cited. Below, we present a clear, strong, and fair summary of the traditional interpretation ("anti-LGBTQ sex" position) alongside the affirming interpretation, verse-by-verse.

Genesis 19: Sodom and Gomorrah

Traditional View:

• Sodom was destroyed, in part, due to homosexual acts. The men of Sodom explicitly attempted homosexual intercourse with Lot's visitors, an action later explicitly labeled "sexual immorality" and "perversion" (Jude 1:7). The term "sodomy" itself comes directly from this event, underscoring the traditional stance that God condemns homosexual activity.

Affirming View:

• The Sodom account describes attempted gang rape and extreme violence. Ezekiel 16:49–50 describes Sodom's primary sins as pride, arrogance, and inhospitality—not consensual, committed relationships. The violence and intent of domination differ fundamentally from today's loving partnerships.

Leviticus 18:22 & 20:13: The Holiness Code

Traditional View:

• These passages straightforwardly forbid all male-male sexual acts as an "abomination." Leviticus 20 explicitly lists homosexual acts alongside universally condemned behaviors (incest, adultery, bestiality), signaling their universal moral severity, beyond cultural or ritual concerns.

Affirming View:

• Levitical prohibitions appear amidst warnings against idolatrous Canaanite religious practices (Leviticus 18:3, 18:21). Historically, these involved exploitative practices like temple prostitution. These verses likely addressed specific ritual sex acts rather than committed, loving relationships.

Romans 1:26–27: "Exchanging Natural Relations"

Traditional View:

• Paul explicitly describes same-sex relations as "unnatural," "dishonorable," and "shameful." He emphasizes both male and female homosexual acts as emblematic of rebellion against God's created design, clearly condemning homosexual conduct as morally wrong.

Affirming View:

• Paul's language ("exchanged natural relations") describes people acting contrary to their own heterosexual orientation in idolatrous, lustful excesses. Romans 1 specifically depicts idolatrous pagan behavior, not committed, faithful partnerships between naturally same-sex oriented individuals—relationships Paul likely did not even envision.

1 Corinthians 6:9–10 & 1 Timothy 1:9–10: Greek Terms Malakoi & Arsenokoitai

Traditional View:

• Paul explicitly includes those who practice homosexual acts in vice lists. The Greek terms traditionally translated "effeminate" (malakoi) and "homosexuals" (arsenokoitai) are commonly understood as condemning both passive and active partners in male homosexual relations. Paul's condemnation is explicit and straightforward.

Affirming View:

• Linguistic scholarship reveals ambiguity. "Malakoi" often meant morally weak or indulgent men (possibly male prostitutes). "Arsenokoitai" (a rare term) possibly references exploitative practices such as pederasty, prostitution, or sexual coercion. Paul likely targeted exploitation, abuse, and prostitution, rather than committed same-sex relationships.

Traditional Conclusion (Steel-Man Summary):

• Every biblical text explicitly mentioning homosexual acts views them negatively. These passages collectively form a consistent biblical condemnation of same-sex behavior. Scripture defines heterosexual marriage as God’s design and explicitly labels homosexual acts as outside that moral framework. From a traditional stance, Scripture clearly forbids homosexual activity universally, independent of relationship context or commitment level.

Affirming Conclusion (Summary):

• Each biblical condemnation explicitly targets exploitative, violent, idolatrous, or coercive sexual behaviors prevalent in ancient contexts. Scripture does not address or clearly envision committed, consensual same-sex relationships as understood today. Therefore, affirming scholars argue these ancient prohibitions do not apply directly to modern loving, faithful LGBTQ+ partnerships.

Why This Matters for Parents and LGBTQ+ Individuals

• Clarifying Interpretations: By understanding the strongest arguments on both sides, parents and LGBTQ+ individuals can discuss Scripture honestly and accurately.
• Building Empathy and Understanding: Recognizing why sincere Christians hold differing interpretations fosters respect, reduces conflict, and encourages compassion and dialogue within families, even if disagreement persists.

The goal is not necessarily agreement, but clarity, compassion, and mutual respect. Understanding both interpretations deeply helps bridge difficult conversations and strengthen family relationships, even when theological differences remain.

Toward Authentic Relationships

If you've reached this point, it’s clear how much you care. Even though conversations around sexuality, identity, and faith can be difficult and emotionally charged, your willingness to understand shows courage, humility, and real love.

Remember, the core issue is often less about agreeing on every point of theology or morality, and more about clearly understanding each other’s emotional truth. Your child needs to know they're safe, valued, and loved exactly as they are. And you, as their parent, deserve compassion, patience, and understanding as you navigate these new conversations.

Real relationships thrive on honesty and authenticity - not perfection. You don't have to have all the answers immediately. You just need the courage to keep the dialogue open, your heart empathetic, and your ears listening.

No matter how hard these conversations feel right now, there's genuine hope. Thousands of families have walked this road before you. Many found their way to stronger, deeper relationships built on respect, openness, and unconditional love - even amid disagreements.

Your child needs you more than ever - not perfect, just present. Keep listening. Keep learning. Keep loving. Because in the end, love and understanding form the strongest foundation for any relationship, no matter the challenges you face together.

You've taken a powerful step toward clearer, deeper conversations with your child. You're doing the right thing.

Thank you for choosing understanding, compassion, and authenticity. Your child - and your relationship - will be stronger for it.

Appendix: A Quick Reference for Clarifying Key Terms

Appendix B: "But My Pastor Says...": Examining a Common Misunderstanding

If you've made it this far, you may still feel unsure - especially if you've heard theological arguments that seem to directly contradict the perspectives in this pamphlet. Many parents understandably trust their pastors deeply. Your pastor might have explained LGBTQ+ issues using arguments like:

• "Sexual orientation is a choice or mutable (changeable)."

• "Identifying as gay or bisexual means embracing sin."

• "God wouldn't make someone with same-sex attractions."

Let's take a careful, compassionate look at this theology and why it can unintentionally lead to deep emotional and spiritual harm. We encourage you to share this section with your pastor if you have questions or concerns.

First: What's the Core of This Theology?

Often, the theology described above is rooted in a philosophical idea called Realism (specifically, Medieval Realism). Realism believes there's a perfect, God-ordained "template" for humanity - often described as heterosexual marriage and binary gender roles. According to this view, any deviation from that template is considered "broken" or "damaged," rather than simply another natural variation.

In contrast, modern science, psychology, and medicine generally operate under Nominalism. Nominalism recognizes that while categories help us understand the world, these categories don't perfectly define reality - they’re just convenient ways we group experiences. Human beings naturally vary in countless ways, including sexual orientation and gender identity. These differences aren't inherently sinful or broken - they’re simply part of human diversity.

Second: Common Arguments and Misunderstandings

Let's gently explore three common claims in detail:

Claim 1: "Sexual Orientation Is a Choice or Mutable"

Reality: Decades of research (American Psychological Association, American Medical Association, World Health Organization) strongly confirm sexual orientation isn't chosen or easily changed. The overwhelming majority of medical and mental-health experts agree orientation is largely innate and stable throughout life.

Why this matters:
Suggesting orientation is a choice leads to significant emotional harm. LGBTQ+ individuals raised under this belief often experience deep shame, anxiety, depression, and even suicidal thoughts when attempts to "change" inevitably fail.

Quick fact for pastors:
The leading organization previously advocating orientation change, Exodus International, shut down in 2013. Its president publicly apologized, acknowledging that 99.9% of their participants never experienced orientation change, and that such efforts caused significant harm.

Claim 2: "Identifying as Gay or Bisexual Is Embracing Sin"

Reality: Identifying as gay or bisexual isn't about choosing behaviors - it's about honestly describing one's internal attractions and emotional reality. We don't consider heterosexual orientation inherently sinful - even though heterosexual people also experience attractions outside marriage (temptations). Identifying these attractions clearly helps individuals manage them responsibly, rather than encouraging sinful behaviors.

Why this matters:
Calling a fundamental part of someone's identity inherently sinful creates a deep sense of unworthiness, shame, isolation, and often, severe mental-health struggles.

A compassionate pastoral note:
Affirming identity doesn't mean compromising moral teachings. It simply acknowledges an individual's internal truth, empowering more honest, authentic conversations about behavior and faithfulness.

Claim 3: "God Wouldn't Make Someone Gay"

Reality: Variations in sexual orientation and gender identity appear naturally across human cultures and even in many animal species. Scientific observation repeatedly confirms these variations as part of natural biological diversity - not something consciously chosen or inherently pathological.

Why this matters:
This theological claim places LGBTQ+ people in an impossible bind. If their orientation feels natural, consistent, and unchangeable - but their pastor insists it's impossible - this deep contradiction leads to spiritual crises, emotional pain, and often estrangement from the church, community, or family.

Important consideration:
If your theology insists everyone fits neatly into clear categories ("male," "female," "heterosexual"), how do we understand Intersex people, who are naturally born with physical characteristics of both sexes? Theology must be compassionate and expansive enough to encompass observed reality.

Third: How Did This Misunderstanding Develop?

You might wonder how such misunderstandings became so widespread. There are a few possibilities:

• Philosophical Commitments (Realism vs. Nominalism):
  As discussed earlier, many traditional Christian teachings rely implicitly on a Realist framework. Without intentionally being misleading, some pastors view any human variation as "fallen" rather than just different. Recognizing the Nominalist perspective doesn't threaten core beliefs - it simply acknowledges natural human variation.

• Misguided Good Intentions:
  Many religious leaders genuinely fear for young people's spiritual health. This fear sometimes leads them to endorse harmful teachings - such as "conversion therapy" or suggesting orientation can change - not from malice, but misunderstanding or outdated information.

• Unintentional Linguistic Confusion:
  Words like "homosexual," "identity," and "lifestyle" often become confusing or distorted within religious communities, leading to misunderstandings. This confusion isn't deliberate manipulation - it's simply a linguistic misunderstanding reinforced over generations.

Finally: Why Does All This Matter So Much?

Misunderstanding LGBTQ+ identities can have tragic consequences:

• LGBTQ+ youth from non-affirming families are over 8 times more likely to attempt suicide.

• Attempts to "change" orientation are associated with severe depression, anxiety, hopelessness, and lasting trauma.

• Affirming a child's identity and supporting open communication drastically reduces these risks.

As parents, pastors, and communities, we have a moral and spiritual responsibility to minimize harm. Regardless of theological disagreements, we can agree on compassion, empathy, and protecting our children from unnecessary emotional and spiritual pain.

A Thoughtful Suggestion:

If you still feel uncertain, we respectfully encourage you to share this appendix with your pastor or church leadership. Conversations around these topics should always be approached with humility, openness, and genuine desire for truth and compassion.

Understanding and clarity lead to stronger families, healthier relationships, and churches that reflect God's deepest compassion and care for all individuals - exactly as they are.

Appendix C: Formal Logical Deconstruction of the Problematic Theology

Below is a concise outline of the logic often employed by traditionalist arguments around sexual orientation and identity, along with clear commentary demonstrating where and how these arguments fail logically and empirically:

Argument as Commonly Presented:

1. Premise A: Sexual orientation is mutable (chosen or changeable).

2. Premise B: God has created humans strictly according to a binary, heterosexual "template." Any variation from this template represents imperfection or deviation caused by sin.

3. Premise C (derived from A & B): Since orientation is mutable, identifying as homosexual means actively choosing a deviant or sinful "lifestyle."

4. Conclusion (derived from A, B & C): Therefore, individuals who identify as LGBTQ+ are actively embracing sin and opposing God’s natural order.

Logical Deconstruction (Analyzing Each Premise):

Premise A: "Sexual orientation is mutable (chosen/changeable)."

• Factually incorrect: Empirical evidence overwhelmingly disproves the claim that sexual orientation is chosen or easily mutable.

  • Example evidence: American Psychological Association (APA), American Medical Association (AMA), World Health Organization (WHO), and even former "conversion therapy" organizations (Exodus International) explicitly state orientation change attempts are ineffective and harmful.

• Logical implication: Because this premise is false, any conclusion depending on it becomes inherently invalid.

Premise B: "God created humans according to a binary, heterosexual 'template.'"

• Theologically incomplete and scientifically inaccurate: While many theological traditions emphasize male-female relationships, biblical scripture never explicitly denies the existence or validity of naturally occurring variations. Intersex individuals, born with physical characteristics of both sexes, provide undeniable proof that human biological diversity exceeds a simple binary template.

• Logical implication: A rigid interpretation of the human template contradicts observable reality. Any theology based on denial of observable facts risks self-contradiction and harm.

Premise C (derived from A & B): "Identifying as homosexual means actively choosing a deviant or sinful lifestyle."

• Semantic misunderstanding: Identification ("I am gay") simply describes internal experiences - attractions, emotions, and identity - not chosen behaviors or lifestyle.

• Logical implication: Even if Premises A and B were correct (which they're not), this conclusion would still rely on a misunderstanding of identity vs. action. Experiencing attraction is involuntary; behaviors are chosen and separate.

Logical Flaws Identified Clearly:

• Empirical contradiction (Premise A):
  Claims that sexual orientation is mutable contradict overwhelming empirical evidence and expert consensus.

• Selective theological interpretation (Premise B):
  Ignores clear evidence of naturally occurring human variation, such as Intersex individuals, which directly challenges simplistic theological assumptions about binary gender and sexuality.

• Semantic confusion (Premise C):
  Misrepresents identity (orientation and attraction) as synonymous with voluntary action and behavior.

• Logical Fallacy (Motte-and-Bailey fallacy):
  This occurs when the argument switches between easily defended general statements ("we just oppose sin") and indefensible specific claims ("orientation can and should be changed"), obscuring the contradiction.

Possible Origins of This Misunderstanding:

It’s useful to consider why this misunderstanding persists, without accusing pastors or theologians of intentional dishonesty:

• Philosophical Realism:
  Many traditional Christian doctrines implicitly assume philosophical Realism (the belief in ideal metaphysical "templates"). Any deviation is viewed as sinfully imperfect rather than naturally diverse.

• Linguistic drift and misunderstanding:
  Over generations, key terms (orientation, sexuality, identity, lifestyle) have become distorted or conflated, unintentionally creating confusion.

• Misguided pastoral concern:
  Some pastors genuinely fear endorsing behaviors they believe contradict scripture. In an attempt to discourage such behaviors, they unintentionally perpetuate misunderstandings around orientation and identity.

Real-world Consequences of This Flawed Theology:

• Severe mental health harm: LGBTQ+ individuals raised with these beliefs experience significantly higher rates of depression, anxiety, self-harm, and suicide attempts.

• Spiritual trauma: Viewing one’s inherent attractions and identity as sinful leads to deep spiritual anguish, isolation, and estrangement from faith and community.

• Family breakdown: Misunderstandings around identity damage relationships, resulting in fractured family bonds and diminished trust.

Conclusion (for Pastoral Reflection):

Given the severity of these misunderstandings, pastors have a moral and theological responsibility to approach this topic with humility, openness to evidence, and compassion.

Reconsidering these premises in the light of clear empirical data, sound theology, and genuine compassion is not about compromising religious beliefs - it's about ensuring our theology remains truthful, coherent, compassionate, and non-harmful.

We respectfully encourage parents and pastors alike to review this logical outline carefully, prayerfully, and with open hearts and minds. The goal, as always, remains clarity, truthfulness, and genuine care for the well-being of all individuals in your congregation and family.

About the Author

Raised by his deeply conservative Evangelical Christian mother, Steve’s personal journey as a bisexual man navigating rejection, authenticity, and healing informs his book; Unconditional Love: A Guide To Reclaiming Your Authenticity In A World That Fears Difference. Drawing on his own experiences, years of therapy, and extensive global travels - including time spent learning Arabic and immersing himself in Middle Eastern cultures - Steve explores the universal struggle for self-expression in the face of societal and familial expectations.

Passionate about bridging divides, Steve’s writing blends personal reflection with sociological critique, empowering readers to reclaim their voices, celebrate their truths, and build relationships rooted in empathy and respect. He lists amongst his favorite authors; bell hooks, James Baldwin, and Brené Brown for their candid explorations of love, identity, and the systems that shape us.

Steve can usually be found programming, adventuring across continents, climbing mountains, diving coral reefs, reflecting on the intersection of culture and individuality, or sharing thoughts on love with those closest to him.

Follow Steve’s journey and connect:

StevenEWrites.com

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