Appendix B: "But My Pastor Says...": Examining a Common Misunderstanding

If you've made it this far, you may still feel unsure - especially if you've heard theological arguments that seem to directly contradict the perspectives in this pamphlet. Many parents understandably trust their pastors deeply. Your pastor might have explained LGBTQ+ issues using arguments like:

  • "Sexual orientation is a choice or mutable (changeable)."

  • "Identifying as gay or bisexual means embracing sin."

  • "God wouldn't make someone with same-sex attractions."

Let's take a careful, compassionate look at this theology and why it can unintentionally lead to deep emotional and spiritual harm. We encourage you to share this section with your pastor if you have questions or concerns.

First: What's the Core of This Theology?

Often, the theology described above is rooted in a philosophical idea called Realism (specifically, Medieval Realism). Realism believes there's a perfect, God-ordained "template" for humanity - often described as heterosexual marriage and binary gender roles. According to this view, any deviation from that template is considered "broken" or "damaged," rather than simply another natural variation.

In contrast, modern science, psychology, and medicine generally operate under Nominalism. Nominalism recognizes that while categories help us understand the world, these categories don't perfectly define reality - they’re just convenient ways we group experiences. Human beings naturally vary in countless ways, including sexual orientation and gender identity. These differences aren't inherently sinful or broken - they’re simply part of human diversity.

Second: Common Arguments and Misunderstandings

Let's gently explore three common claims in detail:

Claim 1: "Sexual Orientation Is a Choice or Mutable"

Reality: Decades of research (American Psychological Association, American Medical Association, World Health Organization) strongly confirm sexual orientation isn't chosen or easily changed. The overwhelming majority of medical and mental-health experts agree orientation is largely innate and stable throughout life.

Why this matters:
Suggesting orientation is a choice leads to significant emotional harm. LGBTQ+ individuals raised under this belief often experience deep shame, anxiety, depression, and even suicidal thoughts when attempts to "change" inevitably fail.

Quick fact for pastors:
The leading organization previously advocating orientation change, Exodus International, shut down in 2013. Its president publicly apologized, acknowledging that 99.9% of their participants never experienced orientation change, and that such efforts caused significant harm.

Claim 2: "Identifying as Gay or Bisexual Is Embracing Sin"

Reality: Identifying as gay or bisexual isn't about choosing behaviors - it's about honestly describing one's internal attractions and emotional reality. We don't consider heterosexual orientation inherently sinful - even though heterosexual people also experience attractions outside marriage (temptations). Identifying these attractions clearly helps individuals manage them responsibly, rather than encouraging sinful behaviors.

Why this matters:
Calling a fundamental part of someone's identity inherently sinful creates a deep sense of unworthiness, shame, isolation, and often, severe mental-health struggles.

A compassionate pastoral note:
Affirming identity doesn't mean compromising moral teachings. It simply acknowledges an individual's internal truth, empowering more honest, authentic conversations about behavior and faithfulness.

Claim 3: "God Wouldn't Make Someone Gay"

Reality: Variations in sexual orientation and gender identity appear naturally across human cultures and even in many animal species. Scientific observation repeatedly confirms these variations as part of natural biological diversity - not something consciously chosen or inherently pathological.

Why this matters:
This theological claim places LGBTQ+ people in an impossible bind. If their orientation feels natural, consistent, and unchangeable - but their pastor insists it's impossible - this deep contradiction leads to spiritual crises, emotional pain, and often estrangement from the church, community, or family.

Important consideration:
If your theology insists everyone fits neatly into clear categories ("male," "female," "heterosexual"), how do we understand Intersex people, who are naturally born with physical characteristics of both sexes? Theology must be compassionate and expansive enough to encompass observed reality.

Third: How Did This Misunderstanding Develop?

You might wonder how such misunderstandings became so widespread. There are a few possibilities:

  • Philosophical Commitments (Realism vs. Nominalism):
    As discussed earlier, many traditional Christian teachings rely implicitly on a Realist framework. Without intentionally being misleading, some pastors view any human variation as "fallen" rather than just different. Recognizing the Nominalist perspective doesn't threaten core beliefs - it simply acknowledges natural human variation.

  • Misguided Good Intentions:
    Many religious leaders genuinely fear for young people's spiritual health. This fear sometimes leads them to endorse harmful teachings - such as "conversion therapy" or suggesting orientation can change - not from malice, but misunderstanding or outdated information.

  • Unintentional Linguistic Confusion:
    Words like "homosexual," "identity," and "lifestyle" often become confusing or distorted within religious communities, leading to misunderstandings. This confusion isn't deliberate manipulation - it's simply a linguistic misunderstanding reinforced over generations.

Finally: Why Does All This Matter So Much?

Misunderstanding LGBTQ+ identities can have tragic consequences:

  • LGBTQ+ youth from non-affirming families are over 8 times more likely to attempt suicide.

  • Attempts to "change" orientation are associated with severe depression, anxiety, hopelessness, and lasting trauma.

  • Affirming a child's identity and supporting open communication drastically reduces these risks.

As parents, pastors, and communities, we have a moral and spiritual responsibility to minimize harm. Regardless of theological disagreements, we can agree on compassion, empathy, and protecting our children from unnecessary emotional and spiritual pain.

A Thoughtful Suggestion:

If you still feel uncertain, we respectfully encourage you to share this appendix with your pastor or church leadership. Conversations around these topics should always be approached with humility, openness, and genuine desire for truth and compassion.

Understanding and clarity lead to stronger families, healthier relationships, and churches that reflect God's deepest compassion and care for all individuals - exactly as they are.